CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn:

I've just recently discovered that my wife has been communicating with her ex since last year (1,000-plus texts sent in one month). She also has wired him money at least twice in the past month. She says it's no big deal and thinks I'm overreacting when I discuss leaving. Am I?

Anonymous

If you're still just discussing it while she continues to insult you openly, then please consider that you're under-reacting.

Let's say your wife's behavior is innocent (dubious, but just for the sake of argument). If your marriage is her priority, then she'll apologize for upsetting you, and patiently explain how 1,000 texts to one's ex can be innocent.

Even if she believes you're being unfair, paranoid, controlling, whatever -- again, just for the sake of argument -- and even if she believes it's her right to choose her friends, none of those concerns would trump the need to be sympathetic to and transparent with one's spouse.

In other words: People who care about you will care about the effect they have on you.

Your wife's main concern is to shift the blame for her behavior onto you. That looks worse than 1,000 texts.

Dear Carolyn:

An old friend moved back into town and was immediately welcomed by a clique of women of which I'm not a "member." At first I was hurt, then I decided that my friendship with "Sue" stands on its own and doesn't need anyone else's approval. Then Sue made the mistake of writing in her annual family newsletter that she spent her 50th birthday at a spa "along with my dearest friends" -- a party to which I wasn't invited. I was stunned, confronted her and got the "I had no intention of hurting you" reply, after which I crossed her off my list. Now she's making overtures, and I'm confused. I feel all of the following: