CAROLYN HAX

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)

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By Carolyn Hax

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Dear Carolyn:

After nearly two years together, my boyfriend ended things abruptly. He came to my house, told me, "I can't be in a relationship and give you the commitment you want," and then he left, leaving me hanging.

Flash forward two months. We finally talk. He admits he had a panic/freakout and handled things poorly. He's miserable without me.

We agreed to take things slowly and see where they are going. I love and miss this man, but am terrified of getting hurt again. He handled things so terribly. I'm not sure I can trust him with my heart. And yet, I want him back so badly. I am conflicted. Do I give it a try, or just move on?

Maryland

I dunno. After he left, did you look back on your relationship through the lens of your new knowledge, and have a retroactive "duh" moment, where you recognized signs of immaturity, impulsiveness, poor communication? We can be surprised by people we know well -- but usually that's because we missed signs, not because there weren't any.

So you need to add his freakout to the other knowledge you have about him, and then decide whether he's trustworthy. The strength of a relationship isn't just in how much you like each other, but in how competently each of you handles life -- which includes the handling of each other's emotions. Mutual trust grows from such sources of strength.

You have two years plus two months' worth of information on him. Use all of it, not just, "He hurt me," "We missed each other," "I want him back." Those are whats; you need whys.

Dear Carolyn:

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