From Sweet to Monstrous in a Heartbeat

Q.My son, who turned 5 in April, is a smart, loving, wonderful, well-rounded boy, but for the past seven to eight months he has had tantrums that really test my patience.

They can be infrequent or clustered within a few days of each other, and they often take place when he's at home. He'll stomp off, scream "No! No!" and usually strip off all of his clothes. If I put him in his room, he'll pull the sheets off his bed and sometimes hide beneath it. He also screams and kicks, and sometimes he throws things, pounds at the door, breaks a few crayons or rips a piece of paper but he's never violent enough to make me think that he could hurt himself or do too much damage.

These tantrums seem to come out of nowhere. It's so out of character for this sweet little boy to act this way! Is this just a phase that he is going through or something else?

Sometimes I can attribute his tantrums to exhaustion -- even though he usually sleeps 11 hours a night and gets some quiet time every day -- or to hunger, or to being overwhelmed if he's around too many kids or too many activities or too much noise, but I don't know what sets him off at other times. Could it be too much television? Or could it be the same anxiety that used to bother me?

I haven't told the pediatrician that the tantrums have ramped up recently, but she wasn't worried about them at our last appointment. She just told me to put him in a safe place when one occurs and let him get it out of his system, and then have a calm discussion about it later. Sometimes he tells us he was very mad or sad or scared, but most of the time he says that he "doesn't know" why he fell apart.

Am I overly worried about this behavior, or does it seem unusual to you?

A.Tantrums are seldom alarming but they are unusual at 5, especially in an easygoing child.

To find out why, you and your husband need to play detective, because you know your son better than anyone else.

Ask yourselves: Have there been any changes in his life, big or little? Has anything upset him lately? Did he fit in as well at school this year as he did a year ago? Did he like his teacher? And what about his home life? Have you and your husband started to argue a lot? Has one of you been depressed or worried or super-busy lately? Did a grandparent die? The cat run away? His best friend leave town? Children are wonderfully resilient, but change can be quite unsettling for them, especially if it hits them when they're already feeling a little shaky. According to the seminal studies done by the Gesell Institute over the past 85 years, young children usually go through an "age of disequilibrium" for a few months each year and then become more mature, and more stable, than they were before. The answer could be as simple as that.

If none of these possibilities seem to apply, an allergy or a sensitivity to an inhalant, a food and even the weather could be the problem, particularly if your son has dark shadows under his eyes, red ears and often rubs his nose with his forefinger: the allergic salute.

If he is allergic, he could be reacting to a new pet or a new carpet -- or the carpet padding -- but perfumed laundry soap or dryer sheets might be the real trigger, since he repeatedly pulls off his clothes and his sheets when he's pitching a fit.

Or your child may have become allergic to a certain food, even one that he loves, for allergic children often crave (or hate) the foods that bother them. Many others are upset by the dyes and preservatives in most processed food, and by salicylates, which are found in apples (but not pears); oranges and grapes (but not grapefruit); tomatoes (but not potatoes) and any number of other healthful foods.

If you still can't figure out what makes your son explode, make a calendar to record the time and the place that they occur; his food and his activities, as well as the weather and any change you have made in the house. A written record is always more informative than a recollection.

And please, give your little boy some hugs when he's upset. That's the time he needs them most.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.