CAROLYN HAX

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)

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By Carolyn Hax

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Hi, Carolyn:

In my first marriage, I was on the receiving end of The Silent Treatment, so I know firsthand how destructive and hurtful it can be. I am now in a happy marriage with a wonderful man, and I am starting to realize that HE may now be the recipient of this.

I've had a really hard time at work and in my family life lately -- several serious crises. There's also this one issue between us that we've talked to death and tried to resolve, but it's still just a big giant ball of hurt, and I find myself being quiet, moody, untalkative, withdrawn at home.

I know in my heart of hearts how unfair I'm being to him, but I can't make myself stop it and lighten up! How do you make yourself snap out of a three-week-long bad mood?

Georgia

I'm not sure you can -- you've got to keep working the emotional knot, and that's going to take whatever time it takes.

But you can spare him the silent treatment during this time by stating clearly that you know you're being sullen and difficult, and that you don't want to be, so you're working really hard to try to get to the other side. Thank him for his patience, ask him for a little more, and make a conscious effort to continue with these updates as you go, or even just small gestures of affection.

If you're not sure how to start or what to say, just try to remember what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a partner's withdrawal -- you really just want the person to throw you a crumb, to let you know it's okay. That's something you can do for your husband now.

Dear Carolyn:

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