CAROLYN HAX

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Readers had a lot to add to yesterday's topic, on sharing the domestic workload with a mate.

Dear Carolyn:

Don't think of it as nagging, think of it as setting expectations. For example, not "Would you mind cooking twice a week?" but "We've talked about you cooking twice a week . . . how about you be responsible for Tuesdays and Thursdays?" Set the expectation, remind once or twice if necessary, and let there be consequences if the person doesn't hold up his/her end. If you both have to eat Triscuits for dinner on Tuesday because he forgot, them's the breaks.

Non-Nag

That's a start, and a potentially effective one, thanks. Unfortunately, though, it affects the conscientious person's quality of life.

Let's say you don't want a Triscuit dinner, but the person on Tuesday/Thursday cooking duty is fine with it. Oops. So then you, say, stop on your way home Tuesdays and Thursdays to pick up something you do want -- perfectly reasonable -- but boy do you feel petty buying just for one.

Then you feel angry that this is what your "marriage" has come to, getting takeout for one because the other person can't be bothered to make your household a home.

And Triscuit person can say, "I was fine with Triscuits for dinner my whole life, and now I have to cook meals twice a week just because that's my spouse's idea of a marriage?"

It's really wrenching, if even one of them lacks the impulse to meet the other halfway.