Separated Parents Must Find Common Ground

Q.My son, 35, and his wife, 34, are the caring parents of a beautiful and bright 3-year-old, but unfortunately they are about to separate after seven years of marriage.

They went to psychologists, psychiatrists and marriage counselors for a year and read some books about divorce, reconciliation and child care but they still can't figure out how to help their daughter deal with this heartbreaking situation.

So far, they've decided that my son will stay in their house and that his wife will move to a new home nearby, which will let the child attend the same preschool, but they can't agree on shared custody. Now my son is asking for my advice.

The mother wants their daughter to live with her but will let her spend every other weekend with my son and let him have unlimited visitation during the week.

He says that this isn't enough. He has been actively involved in his daughter's life from Day One -- preparing her meals, helping her dress, bringing her to day care, checking her "homework," entertaining her and making sure she's well and happy -- so he wants the child to alternate her time: a week with him, then a week with her mother, then back to him again.

My husband and I, and my daughter-in-law's parents all live in the area. We are all trying to be supportive and we all have our granddaughter's best interests at heart, but I really don't know what advice to give my son because I don't know what kind of custody would be best for the child.

A.Solomon himself couldn't decide what arrangement would be best for your granddaughter. Much depends on the attitude of your son and his wife. If their civility continues and they regularly show compassion and respect for each other, their little girl will probably be happy wherever she lives -- but maybe not as happy as she'd be if she lived with both of them.

Since that isn't possible, perhaps you, your husband and the other two grandparents could help your son and his wife understand that divorce, like marriage, is a contract, and that it will be even harder to keep unless they learn to treat each other in the same businesslike way that they treat their colleagues at work. And to do that, they must keep their promises to each other, make adjustments and compromises whenever they can and express their anger calmly and then quickly lay it to rest. Otherwise, their problems will fester, their relationship will founder and their child will be affected in a most negative way. So will they.

Most divorced couples who have children are, in a sense, still married, particularly if they share custody, because it's hard to shake off old arguments when they have to see so much of each other. They have to confer often, see each other at the start and the end of each visitation and meet at recitals, teacher conferences, emergency rooms, graduations and weddings as well as countless family events. For the sake of their child, your son and his wife must learn to get along and the getting along should start right now.

If you think that your daughter-in-law has a strong psychological need to be with her little girl right now, perhaps you can persuade your son to follow her custody plan for now, if she will agree to follow his plan in two years. This delay may be difficult for him to accept, but the pain won't be so bad if he goes to his daughter's house every weekday morning so he can wake her up, get her dressed, give her breakfast and take her to day care. This will give him a special time with his daughter and at a time when almost every child is at her best.

You might also give your son a small library of helpful books, such as "Ex-Etiquette for Parents" by Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe (Chicago Review Press, $17); "Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by M. Gary Neuman (Random House, $19); "Parenting After Divorce" by Philip Michael Stahl (Impact, $18) and if the divorce gets more acrimonious, "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide" by Elizabeth Thayer and Jeffrey Zimmerman (New Harbinger, $17). And when your granddaughter learns to read chapter books, give her a copy of "Two Homes" by Claire Masurel (Candlewick, $7) or "Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids" by Isolina Ricci (Fireside, $15). These books will answer many of the questions that children of divorce long to ask (but seldom do).

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.