CAROLYN HAX

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)

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By Carolyn Hax

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I just found out my boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend have been e-mailing every so often, prompted by my boyfriend.

I told him it made me uncomfortable and he's stopping. So why do I feel slimy?

Washington

Because the e-mailing was either innocent, and you seized control for no other reason than your own insecurity -- or it wasn't innocent, and your crackdown doesn't change the fact that they were emotionally entwined.

So, you intervened and have nothing -- no truth, no assurances -- to show for it. That could make one feel slimy.

Go back to him, and find out why he reached out to her. Make it clear you want the whole truth, not just what he thinks he should say.

He may still withhold information to protect himself, but if you listen carefully with your mind open to everything his words, face, attitude, even history are saying (instead of throwing up a bunch of must-save-this-relationship defenses), I think you'll get a good fix on his trustworthiness.

If you can trust him, then certainly he can send an occasional e-mail to the occasional ex. And if you can't trust him, then you need to be the next ex in his contact list.

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