CAROLYN HAX

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)

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By Carolyn Hax

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

What's the best way to involve my husband in my pregnancy so he doesn't feel left out? He's a very hands-on type who loses interest in anything he can't sink his teeth into, and I'm afraid he won't believe we're really having a baby till he or she is actually born.

Des Moines

Is there anything wrong with that? You say "left out," but I'm not sure how one can both lose interest and feel left out. It sounds more as if he's just not that interested right now -- meaning, you feel a little lonely. Is that more the dynamic you're worried about?

If you have practical reasons for wanting him to be involved, then those are the things you can ask him to "sink his teeth into." That can include anything from finishing home projects to researching free or discounted car seats.

If you'd like his emotional support, then you probably just have to say so when the time comes. As in, when he has a non-reaction to something you hoped he'd react to, you can point out that you're feeling hurt by his lack of interest, or feeling a little lonely in this presumably joint life-change. Stay away from the "You always . . ." and "You never . . ." guilt-traps by using the "I feel . . ." construction.

Still, your description of him suggests he'll come around when it counts (after the baby is born), and that his current lack of interest is something you understand as part of his character -- and that's why I asked whether it's really something to worry about.

If I've read your question wrong, please write back.

Carolyn:

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