Deal With Terrible Teens Creatively

Q.I am at the end of my emotional tether.

My daughter is a single mother and needs help with her two girls, so now I go to work early, often give them dinner at night and try to provide a warm home for them. I've even set up a bedroom for them to stay in overnight if their mom goes out.

The younger daughter is a happy, fairly predictable 7-year-old, but the 13-year-old is a problem. She is a good student and isn't into sex, drugs or alcohol, but there is a high level of friction between us. Although I try to be caring, loving and giving, she will have none of it.

Her father -- who goes months without calling -- is a source of stress and anxiety for her and she wants nothing to do with him. She and her sister are devoted to my husband, but I am the "bad guy" -- the one who asks the girls to pick up their clothes, books and dirty socks at the end of every long day.

How can I keep up a friendly, or at least stable, relationship with this child without blowing a gasket?

A.An absent father and a heap of hormones are giving your older granddaughter more stress than she can handle but she doesn't have the experience or the maturity to deal with it yet.

Discipline will be much easier if you start thinking of the family as a team and if you ask your husband to be the captain for a while. Since the girls are devoted to him, they will probably obey him quicker than they obey you -- especially the 13-year-old, and especially if he tries a different approach.

Ask him to take her out for pizza and tell her that he's worried about you and how tired you are, and that he needs her to help him figure out what to do. If he grills hamburgers one night a week, could she be his sous-chef? Could her little sister set and clear the dinner table?

And what about the mess that everyone leaves in the living room? What if he buys six baskets -- one for everyone in the family -- writes a different name on each one, and announces a 15-minute blitz each afternoon? Could everybody -- except Grandma -- rush around and put items in the right baskets?

If they get done on time, you won't have to fuss, and if they don't, he'll ask you to leave any misplaced items alone until the next blitz without complaining about it. He should tell your granddaughter that he'll be disappointed if they don't finish the job; the disappointment of a beloved grandfather usually disciplines a child better than any lecture.

Your husband should also tell your granddaughter that you love her very much but that your feelings are hurt because she won't talk to you. If he leaves long pauses for her to fill, she will probably start telling him about her own feelings, her own sense of isolation and rejection and then the freeze will start to thaw. Even so, she will need extra encouragement when she's feeling low and compliments any old time -- because teenagers often need a lot more support than they get.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington DC 20003.