CAROLYN HAX

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend is quite a flirt and an all-around fun guy. When I feel good and comfortable in the company we're keeping, this personality trait does not bother me. But other times, I might feel left out or ignored (or that his behavior is too attentive to someone else), and this makes me seriously question whether I want to be with him.

It's hard for me to articulate this to him -- mainly because I don't know if I'm being needy or if my concerns are valid. How much is too much attention to another person when you're in a committed relationship?

Uncomfortable

Next time you're out with him and feeling ignored, try -- just as your own private experiment -- ignoring him. Not as a manipulative or spiteful ploy, but instead as a resourceful adaptation. Amuse yourself, knowing it's up to you alone whether you have a good time.

If your boyfriend is a jerk, if you're needy or if you're both decent people who are ill-suited to each other, then your experiment won't bring about any magic changes. You'll still feel bad when you're out with him in a crowd.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself enjoying the dual benefits of flying solo and having a steady companion, then you might be among the people whose yin-yang relationships suit them just fine. The experiment gives you a chance to see whether you're able to change your perspective, or whether you're too preoccupied with his actions to enjoy yourself.

Carolyn:

I have attempted that -- though I will try again (with a more resourceful attitude vs. spiteful) because I do want to help the relationship. I have noticed that even though I entertain myself, I still feel sick when he's chatting up some other lady.