CAROLYN HAX

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On ambivalence about parenthood:

I have an odd but maybe useful perspective. I'm over 40 and don't have children -- but friends do. I can't tell you how many of them have cried to me about how guilty they felt because they weren't "natural" parents when everyone else was -- and by that I mean they felt ashamed about everything from not breast-feeding to having drugs during delivery to having a mix of feelings instead of pure joy about their kids.

I think they feel safe telling me because I'm not a parent. But "everyone else" was often in the same boat because, well, they too were in tears to me about how they didn't really feel what they were so sure everyone else did.

It's ridiculous that we've created this sense of shame around not being the "perfect" parent, which, by the way, I just don't think exists. And the more people are afraid to talk about it, the more other people don't know that anyone else feels the way they do.

S. in Chicago

On parental ambivalence, continued:

When my third son was born five years ago, he was a miserable infant. He literally screamed whenever he wasn't sleeping or eating. Many afternoons I sat outside his bedroom and cried while he screamed. I asked the pediatricians for help, but they were puzzled.

I didn't love my son. Most of the time I didn't even like him. I'm sure my frustration with his inability to adjust after birth only made his anxiety worse, which started a vicious cycle.

We found out that my son has severe sensory issues that probably contributed to his persistent crying. After the first year he calmed down and I was able to begin bonding with him. Our relationship is none the worse for wear now.