Use New Methods to Motivate Underachieving 11-Year-Old

Q.My 11-year-old son -- the oldest of three boys -- is a charming, sensitive, outgoing, popular child who makes friends easily and is well liked by most adults, but he doesn't try to excel in anything and he lacks motivation for anything except video games.

His grades are constantly up and down -- he may fail a subject on one report card and get an A in it on the next -- but when he studies he'll do well even in math and science, although they have always been a struggle for him.

Our pediatrician ruled out any learning disorder years ago, but a therapist, whom he saw briefly, tried to help him focus on his organizational skills, so he could get his homework in on time. My husband and I constantly monitor his schoolwork, just to make sure he gets passing grades, and sometimes we've taken away the cellphone, television, video games and sports when he hasn't.

He doesn't excel outside of school either. He played piano for several years and then quit, as he has so many activities, and he plays a variety of sports, but he doesn't do his best.

How can we motivate our son to work a little harder and to put more effort into achieving goals? He doesn't try to excel at anything, which is of great concern to us.

A.Actually, your son does try to excel -- maybe not in school or music or sports, but in charm, in friends -- and in video games. And so far, you've let him do it.

Schoolwork will start getting much harder in seventh grade, however, so you need to find out if he has any special problems now.

Although your pediatrician once said that your son didn't have any learning disabilities, you need to rule out that possibility, since many children use charm, distraction and disruption to hide them, even from themselves. To find out, have your son checked out by a psychologist who is used to giving these long and complicated tests. If he has some learning disability, he'll need to be tutored by someone who has been trained to teach learning-disabled children and has done it for a long time.

Your son should also be assessed for attention deficit disorder, which some like to call attention surplus disorder. These are the children whose minds skitter about because they have too much to look at. Too much to smell. Too much to taste. Too much to think about.

If your son has ADD, you'll need to help him put away any unnecessary books, toys and clothes that he owns and to organize his room simply and efficiently. The more clutter you can strip from his environment, the more clutter he can remove from his head.

Even if your son doesn't have a learning disability or ADD, he still needs to live life on a much shorter leash, particularly with video games. It's easy for some people to get addicted to them and addictions shouldn't be tolerated, whatever they are.

You also should tell him that you're setting new school rules, starting in the fall. Tell him that you or his dad will look over his homework when it's done, but he will be in charge of it from now on, and he will also be in charge of his grades.

You won't let him use his cellphone, watch TV, play video games or go online at night because that's when he's supposed to be studying, but you will let him do those things in the afternoon and on weekends, as long as he gets A's and B's. If he can't make these grades, you'll know that he needs more time to study.

This new style of parenting should get your son's attention; if he still doesn't get good grades consistently, he may need to take a class in study skills. Even then, he might not become a star in school or sports or anything else because he's such a mellow fellow or because he's not ready -- or because he doesn't like it when you and his dad tell him to excel. That really is his decision, not yours.

Questions? Write margueritekelly@verizon.net or Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.