A Congressman With a Thirst for Truth

Rep. Bart Stupak, for one, isn't swallowing what the dihydrogen monoxide lobby serves up. (By Lauren Victoria Burke -- Associated Press)

"I'd be highly skeptical," said the FDA official, Joshua M. Sharfstein, but he added that the FDA would only object "if people are saying, 'Drink this water and it cures cancer.' "

And what about Poland Spring's claim that somebody on his deathbed once drank the water and lived? "Historical fable," Sharfstein explained.

"How about the other ones, the makers of H2Ohm, claiming they play musical sounds at their bottling facility that charge the water with vibratory frequencies?" the chairman asked.

"I'm not a musician," Sharfstein said, reminding Stupak that the FDA would step in only if the water were falsely claiming to treat a medical condition.

Of course, if you think Buddhist monks and musical vibrations are altering your water, you probably need a stiffer beverage in the first place.

Some members of the panel were trying hard not to quaff at the chairman's bottled-water crusade. "Normally I have a bottle of water here so if I get parched, but now we are stuck with D.C. water," said Rep. Michael C. Burgess (R-Tex.), pointing out the chairman's confiscation of the Deer Park. "There used to be a little sign in my office in the Longworth Building saying 'Do Not Drink the Tap Water.' I don't know if that's changed, but I'm a little reluctant to drink what's before us today."

Burgess finished before his time was up, and the chairman was pleased. "I didn't want you to get parched," said Stupak, who was not about to let the barbs dampen his investigation.

Finally, a lone Democrat, Del. Donna M. Christian-Christensen from the Virgin Islands, arrived and came to Stupak's defense. She announced that she "may never" drink a bottle of Evian or Fiji water again.

Patiently, the man from the FDA explained anew that, while the regulations for tap and bottled water are slightly different, bottled water isn't held to a lesser standard. In fact, he said, there is "definitely more" regulation of bottled water than of bottled soft drinks.

This was not going well. A congressional staffer in the audience started to play BrickBreaker on his phone. A small dog escaped from the Democratic staff room and made its way to the witness table before being apprehended. Stupak took a sip from his glass of iced D.C. water.