Couch Slouch: Norman Chad on David Beckham
To: David Beckham
From: Couch Slouch
Re: To live and die in L.A.
Where have you been, dude? The last time we crossed paths, you were about to make soccer the biggest thing in America since karaoke. Seems like a funny thing happened on the way to the Home Depot Center -- I guess you ran into traffic.
So you're back this week for a half-season farewell tour. But how can you say goodbye when you really never said hello? We both work and reside in Los Angeles -- well, I don't really work -- but, frankly, I see Warren Beatty around town more than I see you, and he hasn't made a movie since, like, 2001.
I don't understand this business of a player being "on loan" to another team in another league. Does "CSI: Miami" loan out David Caruso to "Law & Order" until February sweeps?
And I'm supposed to get excited because you're back in an L.A. Galaxy uniform this week? No, sir. I live by an old expression: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on ESPN.
(Yeah, I remember when you made your Galaxy debut two years ago against Chelsea. ESPN used 19 cameras that day; if they had used 20, I would've expected you to walk on water.)
The way I see it, you've just pulled off one of the greatest scams in U.S. history. You signed a massive five-year contract, you took a lot of money from a lot of people and, in the end, you were pretty much a marketing mirage.
Essentially, you're Bernie Madoff with a bicycle kick.
As someone who spends a little time in Beverly Hills, I'll tell you this, Becks: The Olsen twins have had a bigger impact around town than you have.
(I'd also say that the most interesting man in the world -- that debonair Dos Equis bon vivant -- has had a bigger impact on most American lives than you have.)