Love and Money: Financial Crunch Can Mean Stress Test for Relationships

For many couples, the financial crisis has come down to a test. How good are they at tackling tough money issues? The question for Arlington resident Lorne Epstein is this: business or pleasure?

His wife, Alicia Korten, planned to take about a month off to recharge after more than a year of 80-hour workweeks at the consulting firm ReNual while writing a book called "Change Philanthropy." Joining her on the trip would cost him about $2,000.

In more flush times, Epstein wouldn't wince at spending the cash for some quality time with his wife. But his contract position as a recruiter is almost up, and he's still not sure where his next paycheck will come from. That $2,000 might be better spent invested in his side business developing an application for Facebook.

"I was like, 'Hey, you're having a good time, and I'm here sweating it out in the city,' " Epstein said. "We've been having to make hard decisions about what we're doing and not doing."

Some couples may be confronting job losses or home foreclosures. Others find that decimated 401(k)s are forcing them to reevaluate when they can retire. Even seemingly small changes such as eating out less can ignite larger debates. (Who will do the dishes?) Couples who have been married for years can be taken by surprise by the rapid economic fallout -- and the stress it can cause on their relationships.

"The recession brought a kind of suddenness," said Dave Ramsey, personal finance author and radio host. "The wind came, and we weren't ready."

When counselors advise couples on dealing with financial questions, their refrains are remarkably similar: communication, communication, communication. And recognizing that men and women often perceive money differently can help make the conversation easier.

Ramsey said women often view money as a pathway to security. He said they may rebound from financial problems more quickly than men but face more fear when dealing with the problem. Men, on the other hand, think of money as a scorecard and they want to win the game, he said. When times are tough, the male self-esteem takes a hit. "It's very, very explosive. You've got a dropping self-esteem on one side and rising fear on the other," he said. "And whoa, the claws can come out."

Several financial and relationship experts said the key to surviving a personal financial crisis is putting emotions aside to talk frankly about money. Couples should set financial goals together, but each partner should remain open-minded about how the other holds up the bargain.

A recent survey by the Employee Benefit Research Institute focused on gender differences in retirement and found that men and women were equally likely to save for retirement and attempt to calculate how much they will need. But men were significantly more likely than women to put that amount at more than $1 million. And 28 percent of women predicted that their spending would be much lower during the first five years of retirement, compared with 21 percent of men.

At the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies, President David Jones said the number of cases his group sees has doubled during the recession to about 4 million a year -- and about 60 percent of clients are women.

"They'll reach out for help much more quickly," Jones said. "The male seems to be embarrassed more than females in admitting that their finances are not on a good footing."