CAROLYN HAX

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Hi, Carolyn:

Tomorrow night I'm going to see a few friends I haven't seen in a while. They're all married, I'm single. All of the wives are pregnant, I'm not. They're all making a lot of money and have successful careers. I'm not and don't. I've also been struggling to find a good job in a new field and have been battling serious depression.

What do I say when they ask how I'm doing? I know I can just say, "Good," and smile, but I'm worried I'm going to start crying because I feel so inferior to all of them. I could also just not go, but I do want to see a few of the people, they have been good friends in the past, and I don't want to get even more isolated than I am now.

How can I get through this? One of the people in the group is my ex-boyfriend, who I think is still angry that I didn't come to his wedding because I canceled at the last minute (I had just broken up with my serious boyfriend days before the wedding). I think I actually need a script so I don't act like a freak.

New York

No, no, no, scripted things always sound scripted. (As in, freaky.)

The tough part about gatherings like this is that they're just a snapshot. Life is a long, changeable, unpredictable thing, and the facts in place on any given day can say only so much about the whole.

You do make a good case that you'll look very different from the rest of the crowd in this particular snapshot. But I can also make a case that some of the pregnant women will feel uncomfortably huge, and some of the people with great careers may themselves be in your starting-over position a year from now (or were in your position a year ago), and some of the marriages will become strained after the children arrive, if they aren't strained already. Someone else in this group might be battling depression, too, wondering why having "everything" doesn't feel like much at all.

This isn't to wish any of them ill, or to prop you up by bashing everyone else -- it's just to make the point that just as your friends will see only a snapshot of you this weekend, you, too, are seeing only a snapshot of them.

Meanwhile, these are friends, people who like you and share a common history. I would hope they can both understand what a low point feels like, and offer you a sense of inclusion vs. proof that you don't belong.

Yes, sure, someone there might be a jerk to you, or ask you all the wrong questions, or respond in all the wrong ways -- people have the power to shoot us down even when we feel we're at the top of our games. Still, there's nothing wrong with seeing yourself as someone they can identify with: You're single, you're trying a new career path at a difficult time, you're battling a health problem, and things are uncertain. That's not freaky, that's life.