Family Almanac by Marguerite Kelly: Her Son Berates His 4-Year-Old Son

Q.I'm ready to explode over the way my son disciplines his almost-4-year-old son. He yells at the boy and is on him all the time, but I don't know why. We never screamed at our children like that.

Last week, for instance, he, his wife and his little son were over for dinner and throughout the meal, he said to my grandson, "Don't talk with food in your mouth!" "Sit up straight!" "Don't touch the dog!" "Leave that alone!"

After dinner, my grandson tripped in the yard and when I ran to scoop him up in my arms, my son nearly jerked him away from me, yelling at the boy, "You're all right, you're all right." When I said that he might be hurt, my son nastily said to me, "Don't tell me how to raise my own son." Maybe I should have told him not to talk to me in such a disrespectful manner, but I kept quiet.

And yesterday, when we were getting ready to leave their house, the little boy fell on the gravel and started crying very hard, because he was obviously hurt. Once again, my son berated the little boy.

"See what happens when you run! What have I told you about running!"

This time my husband said: "Okay, you've said something to him. Drop it. He needs some loving now." For once, my daughter-in-law opened her meek mouth and agreed with my husband.

When our son tells us how difficult his son is, I always say: "I never have trouble with him. He's a very good boy." And he is. I keep reminding my son and daughter-in-law how young the boy is, and that he's behaving the way 3-year-olds always behave, but they don't seem to get it.

A.Some parents are overcome by their responsibilities, and your son sounds like he's one of them.

Somehow they think that their children can only be safe, well-mannered and well-nourished if they micromanage every step they take, every bite they eat and every word that comes out of their little mouths. When they find out that they still can't control them, they go ballistic, or in extreme cases they go out for a walk and never come back, not because they are mean or irresponsible but because they feel so defeated.

Other parents put their children down because they don't understand the stages of child development, and think that their children should follow the rules as soon as they know what they are. This, of course, is silly. It takes years of practice before children can follow rules instinctively, and by then they are all grown up.

It is not your job to tell your son every time -- or even any time -- that he's doing something wrong (unless, of course, he's putting your grandson in danger) but you can let someone else do it for you. Since he currently responds to his dad better than he responds to you, your husband could surprise him and his wife by paying their tuition to take a class in child development at a community college or by treating them to a series of parenting classes sponsored by the Parent Encouragement Program, which offers some of the best parenting classes in the nation.

You can also give your husband a wink and a nod the next time you're ready to explode so he will step in and say to your son, "Let's replay this scene" -- and then move the dialogue in a different direction at the point that your son started to yell.

You can also stop some of the dinnertime problems before they start by asking your daughter-in-law if she would like to feed her son first so the adults can have a quiet meal together while he plays with his books and his blocks. Most children respond better to preventive discipline than anything else.

Your son's wife should also appreciate the new mom-to-mom paperback "Because I Said So" by Dawn Meehan (Guideposts, $15), and your son might get some good ideas from "Liking the Child You Love" by Jeffrey Bernstein (DaCapo, $15) and "Tired of Nagging" by Virginia K. Stowe, with Andrea Thompson (Bantam, $13), since he will probably take advice from a book better than he'd take it from you or even his dad.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.