Carolyn Hax Column

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)
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By Carolyn Hax
Monday, August 10, 2009

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

Slept with the girl after the first date. The date and the sex were both good, but I don't think I want to see her again. There are a number of reasons, but part of it, honestly, is feeling like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. I owe her a call today. What do I say?

Faux Pas

So -- had you slept together after 10 dates, would you look forward to anything then? Is any sex worth having twice?

You have two choices. 1. Get your head out of your [dark place] and realize that a good, thoughtful, interesting, compatible person can provide you a lifetime's worth of things to look forward to, far beyond but also including a lifetime of good sex -- and you can take this opportunity to find out if she is such a person by saying, "I'd like to see you again. How's Thursday?"

Or, 2. Leave your head in your [dark place], and deny yourself a chance to know her. For that you say, "I don't want to see you again, because I can't see past the hypocrisy of being okay with my having first-date sex but not okay with your having it; and, because I lack the imagination and sensitivity to give it a try in spite of myself."

Your call.

Hey Carolyn:

If he had had a "nice first date" but hadn't hooked up, and wasn't inclined to have a second date, would your answer be the same? Or does the hookup raise the responsibility? I agree with your answer, I'm just not sure why.

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