Note to Teenagers: Drive as I Say, Not as I Do

There is no one smugger than a teenager studying to get her driver's license. No one -- not a Harvard graduate, not a Frenchman, not a wife watching you wallow in the hangover she predicted -- can muster as much superiority as a 16-year-old with a learner's permit.

"You didn't walk around the vehicle and perform a visual inspection before entering it," she will say.

"You're holding your hands at 10 and 2 o'clock on the steering wheel, not at 8 and 4 o'clock," she will announce.

"You didn't signal your intention to change lanes by activating your turn signal three to four seconds before executing your turn," she will point out.

"You are going 63 mph when the speed limit on this stretch of highway is 55 mph," she will trill.

"You're parked more than 12 inches from the curb," she will observe.

And of course you can't say anything.

You can't say, "Honey, when I learned to drive, we didn't have time to check around our vehicles before entering them. It is a known fact that back in the 1970s, most teenage drivers in America were chased by hockey mask-wearing psychopaths. We had to leap in our cars, slam down the lock, key the ignition and floor it, hoping that the worst that would happen is the psychopath's scythe or hook-hand would get caught in the rear bumper or door latch."

You can't say, "When I took driver's ed we were not taught to place our hands at 8 and 4 o'clock on the steering wheel. We were told to place them -- well, it -- at 12 o'clock, one hand at the top of the wheel: your right hand if you wanted to tan your left arm out the open window, your left hand if you were trying to put the moves on that redhead from biology. I consider it a great accomplishment that I was able to train myself to put my hands at 10 and 2 o'clock. As for 8 and 4 o'clock, I don't care what current safety research shows, that just looks weird, like you're milking a cow or polishing the underside of a banister."

You can't say, "Turn signals are a sign of weakness. The sooner you learn that the better. Turn signals remove the element of surprise from driving. If I was to have put my turn signal on, that black Beemer would have instituted defensive maneuvers, speeding up to block my path. Turn signals are to be used sparingly -- until you turn 65, then you are to use them before every lane change and never turn them off."

You can't say, "The speed limit is more a suggestion than an actual regulation. Have you noticed how many police cars drive very, very fast? They do that to remind us that the speed limit sign really illustrates the minimum speed, not the maximum one."

You can't say, "Well, at least I park better than your mother. Ha ha."