Marguerite Kelly's Family Almanac: The ADHD Child Gets a Sleepover Invitation

Q.I am the proud mother of an active, challenging and interesting 8-year-old who had ADHD diagnosed in first grade.

My daughter has come a long way since then -- and so have I.

I have read many books on ADHD; learned about parenting an ADHD child; become involved in CHADD (Children and Adults With Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder) and supported my daughter academically through first and second grade. In addition, I've found an excellent developmental pediatrician who put my child on medications that control her ADHD symptoms.

Now, however, my daughter is invited to a sleepover and I have to say no, since she takes her medicine at night and first thing in the morning and is too young to medicate herself. If she doesn't get her meds on time -- especially in the morning -- she is extremely hyperactive, dazed and confused and a real mess.

How do I politely decline this invitation? How can I explain it to my daughter? And how can I help her understand that I'm making this decision for her own good?

A.You have to make many decisions for your child's own good, but please, don't use that phrase with her. If you do, she may feel demeaned, which could lead to power struggles later.

There are better ways to say no -- but do you really have to say it?

Your daughter will remember to take her drugs on a sleepover, if you take a couple of precautions.

First call the mother of your child's friend and tell her that she can go to the sleepover, if she's willing to give her the meds she needs at night and as soon as she wakes up in the morning. And then tell your child that this sleepover is an experiment. If she takes her meds when she should -- even if she has to wake up the mom and ask her for them -- she can go on other sleepovers, but if she doesn't take them on time, she won't go on any sleepover for a long, long time.

If you're still afraid to let your child accept this invitation -- even after taking these precautions -- you may have another reason for saying no. Perhaps you don't want anyone to know that your daughter has ADHD or that she takes drugs for it, but that would be kind of silly. Nearly 5 percent of children and adults in the United States have ADHD, and a large number of them take drugs to curb their symptoms.

Or maybe you're saying no because you're not quite ready to let your baby go.

It's tempting to hold a child too close when she has special needs, but it's unfair to both of you. An ADHD child is more (and sometimes much more) hyperactive, impulsive and forgetful than other children, but she has the right to do as much as she can for herself. Every new accomplishment will boost her self-confidence, which is critical. If it gets too low, many ADHD children quit trying.

Even if you back off a bit, you'll still have plenty to do because you have to tell the teacher how to deal with your daughter's special quirks; find out what homework she has every day -- since ADHD children often forget to write down their assignments -- and lay out all the things that should go in her backpack every night. Let your daughter fill the pack herself, however, because that will build her confidence, too.

You also should give her a small, quiet, well-lighted place to do her homework; teach her to break it into segments, subject by subject and sit nearby, so her mind won't wander too much.

If your daughter gets all this help and still finds school overwhelming, ask the teacher to have her tested. If she has any learning disabilities, she'll need a tutor who has been specifically trained to help learning-disabled children.

You'll also want the pediatrician to check your daughter's medications occasionally, since most children need to have their ADHD prescriptions tweaked every year or so. And at the risk of being repetitious, please take additives and preservatives, tomatoes, stone fruits and their juices out of your daughter's diet for a couple of weeks to see if her hyperactivity and her attention improve. Although CHADD seldom -- if ever -- recommends dietary intervention, there are now enough scientific studies to prove that this diet helps many ADHD children. One large study, in fact, even caused the European Union to ban the sale of a range of additives and preservatives within a year. To check out these studies for yourself -- and to learn more about this diet -- go to http://www.feingold.org.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.