Counselors Provide a Haven for Same-Sex Couples to Sort Through Issues

It was a strange summer of heartbreak for Salvatore Garanzini and his partner, Alapaki Yee. They were happy together, but three of the same-sex couples they were closest to underwent painful breakups in quick succession.

His friends' romantic distress reinforced something Garanzini, a San Francisco counselor, had already begun to suspect about his addiction therapy practice: that he was largely treating a symptom of a much bigger problem.

"A big source of what led [clients] to their habit was a . . . kind of a self-hatred," says Garanzini, 32. "And I started to say, 'I wonder what would happen if we were able to create something that taught gay and lesbian folks that their relationship was normal and empowered them with skills they could rely on to keep the relationship together -- if they would start feeling less illegitimized and more validated."

At the end of that 2007 summer, Yee, also a therapist, took Garanzini on a surprise trip to Seattle to attend a weekend workshop hosted by John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship expert they both admired.

"So we're sitting in the Gottman workshop and I'm listening to this stuff and the research behind it, which is basically 35 years of just watching couples interact," Garanzini recalls. "And I looked over at my partner, Alapaki, and I said, 'Why don't we do this, but for gay and lesbian couples?' "

Within months the two had co-founded the Gay Couples Institute, which Garanzini says is the "only gay and lesbian relationship counseling center in the world, where all it does is same-sex relationships." Today they work with 200 gay and lesbian couples a year and hold weekend workshops every other month.

Before setting up shop, Garanzini and Yee, 36, received training and certifications from the Gottman Institute, which they believe offers a more practical, effective method of couples counseling than traditional relationship therapy. Executives from the Gottman Institute, which has a mostly straight clientele, were "enormously supportive" of the venture, Garanzini says.

"What we've learned is that couples need education and skills. They don't need someone to get up into their stuff and talk about their mom and their childhood damage," Garanzini explains. The Gottman method, he continues, is "borrowed from couples who've already lasted 35 years or more. These are the things we see them do, so we're just teaching other couples how to do it."

There are two main relationship skills Garanzini and Yee try to impart to their clients: continually nurturing their friendships and managing conflict.

"That curiosity you have on a first date? There are ways to keep that going," Garanzini says. And while all couples have disagreements, he adds, those with proven staying power avoid certain kinds of conflict. "They're not criticizing each other. They never get contemptuous -- name calling and talking down to each other -- and they do things to soothe each other so defensiveness doesn't get in the way."

Although their practice is devoted to gay and lesbian couples, Garanzini says the problems their clientele bring to therapy differ little from those of straight couples.

"By and large it's the same. . . . It's issues around trust, it's issues around cheating, there are affairs. And people usually approach us in one of two places: either in a lot of conflict or tremendously disengaged," he says.

There are, however, some "little permutations" that come up in counseling gay and lesbian couples, which Garanzini and Yee say make it advantageous to have a center focused on same-sex relationships.

"One is around sexuality -- lesbian or gay couples want to have a place to talk about their dissatisfaction with their sex life, and know that they're not going to surprise anyone with what they have to say," Garanzini explains. "Another big one is blended family issues, where one has a kid from a previous heterosexual marriage, or they're trying to decide if they're going to have a biological child or adopt and there's either conflict or they just need to think some things through together."

There is some evidence, Garanzini adds, that same-sex couples are, on average, kinder to each other during arguments than their straight counterparts. "I tell that to gay couples and they're like, 'Are you kidding? We're awful,' " he says. "But by and large if you look at tapes of a straight couple sitting there and carrying on about something -- versus a gay couple -- the straight couple will much more quickly become contemptuous or start criticizing each other."

Though romantic relationships have been rich territory for academic researchers in the past half a century, most of the studies were limited to heterosexual couples. The Gay Couples Institute has created a research arm to add to the now growing body of knowledge about same-sex couples, Garanzini says, and they're hoping to set up counseling centers in New York and Los Angeles in the next few years.

The goal, he says, is to create a network of centers where gay and lesbian couples can work with counselors "who are practicing something you can really trust. Where you're getting good care, but you also feel safe to go where you need to go."