If you don't get the slogans, why get the products?

At its core, sports on TV is simply a prop for beer sales. The viewer essentially must answer the question: What's more important to you, Coors Light's "cold-activated can" or Miller Lite's "taste protector lid?" This marketing malarkey reminds me of another reason I stand proudly with the good folks at Pabst Blue Ribbon -- they don't advertise.

Alas, Couch Slouch remains America's Viewer and, thus, America's Commercial Viewer, America's Slogan Buster and America's Product Tester, which brings us to our annual fall survey of the vast wasteland of ads littering televised sports:

DiGiorno: "Fresh Delivery Taste Without the Delivery Price." They call it "DiGiornomics." Well, here's "Slouchonomics": I'll have a salad for dinner.

Sears: "Life Well Spent." Wouldn't it be better spent not dragging a room air conditioner into your car through a Sears parking lot?

Dr Pepper: "Drink it slow." Actually, I don't drink it at all -- is that slow enough?

Taco Bell: "Why Pay More?" Okay, the chicken ranch gordita is 89 cents. Once you consider the costs involved -- raising the chicken, processing the chicken, shipping the chicken, packaging materials, cooking the chicken, purchasing other ingredients (bread, lettuce, dressing, seasoning, et al), restaurant equipment, commercial rent, insurance, labor and, of course, advertising -- if you're paying only 89 cents, exactly what type of quality meal are you expecting here?

Wal-Mart: "Save money. Live better." It seems to me that the folks running Wal-Mart are the only ones living better.

New York Life: "The Company You Keep." You don't want to know the company I keep.

Fidelity Investments: "Turn here." If I make one more wrong turn, I'm going to be selling refrigerator magnets out of the back of my Smart Car.

Subway: "Where Winners Eat." Where do losers eat, the bus station?

(Column Intermission: My Player of Destiny, teenage wunderkind Matt Barkley, has been, well, wunderkinderful. Southern California is 5-0 when he plays and 0-1 when he's hurt. If he doesn't win the Heisman, they should just change the name of the award to the He's Not the Best Player in the Nation Trophy. The freshman quarterback was 19 of 29 for 380 yards Saturday against Notre Dame. Plus, he's doing exceedingly well in classes.)

State Farm: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." I have no good neighbors -- I live in L.A.