Tomorrow's headline: Redskins ban John Kelly's column at FedEx Field

Did you see that story the other day about the Washington Redskins banning signs at FedEx Field? A spokesman said the policy is meant to protect spectators from getting injured by signs and also to make sure everyone can see the action. Um, right. Here are some stories I expect to see in the coming weeks:

Redskins ban rude T-shirts, tattoos at FedEx Field

The Redskins announced today that clothing emblazoned with anti-Redskins messages would not be allowed in FedEx Field.

Fans arriving in T-shirts bearing messages deemed to be derogatory will be asked to remove them or turn them inside out. Anyone refusing to do so will be ejected from the stadium.

A spokesman said the policy is meant to protect spectators from being upset by rude language.

He added that derogatory tattoos -- such as "Vinny Must Go!" or "Sell the Team!" -- are also forbidden and must be covered with duct tape or rendered illegible by laser or scalpel.

Redskins ban booing at FedEx Field

The Redskins have banned booing at FedEx Field. Any fans caught booing, hissing or slapping their foreheads and exclaiming, "Jiminy Christmas, you've got to be kidding me," will be escorted from the stadium by security personnel.

A team spokesman said the loud noise bothered fans with extremely sensitive hearing.

"Also, it upsets the players," the spokesman explained. "These are highly trained and well-compensated professionals, and they shouldn't have to put up with such rude treatment. How would you like it if someone came to your workplace and booed?"

Redskins to serve only Kool-Aid at FedEx Field

The Redskins announced today that beer and soda will no longer be available at FedEx Field. The only beverage that will be sold at concession stands is Kool-Aid, ladled into Styrofoam cups by owner Dan Snyder. A 12-ounce cup will cost $9.