Don't confuse peacefulness and passive-aggression

My 3-year-old has dyspraxia -- a motor planning disorder that leaves him awkward and clumsy -- but we've both learned how to be patient and to calm ourselves when he gets upset.

He's really come a long way -- thanks to much physical and occupational therapy -- but it was hard to deal with his frustrations when he saw other kids do simple things, like linking up 10 small magnetic trains. His coordination was so poor that the trains would crumple up and derail whenever he tried to push them, but it was so easy for the other kids to send them around and around those little tracks.

This experience taught our son to cope with an intense amount of frustration earlier than most children, but now he wants more independence and has started to test his limits. Unlike most kids, however, he's beyond the whole tantrum, crying, whining phase and instead is calm, cool and collected whenever he wants to defy me.

I call him my Little Gandhi. I'm so proud of him for keeping his behavior -- and his tantrums -- in check, but when I say it's time to get in the car to go to school, he crosses his arms, stares me down and WILL NOT BUDGE.

He's particularly fond of the "sit-in" style of protesting, when he simply sits down in the middle of the room. He'll even mimic the same calm, soothing but forceful voice that I've learned to use when I'm angry: the I'm-serious-but-calm-and-I'm-not-going-to-yell-at-you tone. It's as if his behavior is a mirror of my own and he's using it against me.

I know how to deal with temper tantrums, but how do I deal with these peaceful protests?

Your little boy is a clever fellow. He may have dyspraxia but he's learned to muffle his anger, too.

This isn't a great idea, however, for anger is amorphous. The more you try to hide it or minimize it, the more it can leak out and contaminate your relationship with your son, just as it would if you threatened him or spanked him or abused him whenever you got mad.

Instead, you need to be honest and direct when you get mad with him and to use good manners, too, but you don't have to be too gentle. It won't hurt your son to see you clench your teeth and slowly and sternly repeat the profound advice that a comic strip character once gave. "When starving to death with a tiger," he said, "the tiger always starves last." And then in a low and ominous voice, you should say, "And I'm your tiger!"

Your son may not know what you mean until he's a little older, but he will know that you're angry and that it's better to show anger than to repress it. If he doesn't learn that lesson in childhood, he could grow up to be one of those annoying passive-aggressive people who loses his friends almost as fast as he makes them.

You also need to be prepared for the next time your little boy gets balky. If you ask a sitter to come over for an hour every weekday morning, your son will probably refuse to go to school on one of those days and then you can say, "I'll go by myself!" Whether you sit in the library or a coffee shop, you can drive by the school so you can tell your son that the children were having a grand time.

Your son needs this to happen only a few times before he decides that it's better to get in the car than to imitate Gandhi. Or if he has a sit-in one afternoon, go to your room, tell him you'll be back when he's ready to behave and close the door. Your little boy may pitch a fit at first but when you don't respond, he should settle down in 10 or 15 minutes and shape up within a week, although he'll soon start looking for some other way to declare his independence.

He won't declare it so often, however, if you give him as much freedom as you think he can handle and sometimes a little bit more. It really isn't necessary to say to a child, "Watch out! Don't fall!" -- because children don't want to fall, they don't want to hurt themselves and they really don't want their parents to tell them how to walk and run and climb. A child learns best by doing, not by being told what to do.

Marguerite Kelly is a freelance writer. Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.