Spouses who do too much -- or too little

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My wife is bossy. She just is. She sees it as being someone who makes decisions and gets things done, and this is true, but I sometimes feel like an onlooker. She makes decisions about how we spend our money, what the kids do extracurricularly, what we do on vacations. And our life is not bad. She does ask us what we want. But in the end, she is the one booking things, paying for things, and ultimately deciding things.

I have asked her to be more laid-back. To take life as it comes. She says she is who she is and does not think she can change. She says I am free to make my own decisions, but I am paralyzed by this. How do I find some space in this life that she manages?

Married to a Bossy Wife

There's a fine line between "bossy" and "controlling and abusive"; it doesn't sound as if this situation has crossed over, since you do make a point of saying your life is not bad. You didn't say it with much conviction, alas, and your paralysis suggests you have had your sense of self neutralized, which is a device of the abusive.

At the same time, I don't want to trivialize abuse ("She MADE us go to Costa Rica!!!"). So, here's a suggestion that might also work as a layman's diagnostic. Look back on recent situations where your wife had the last word, and conjure what your last word would have been. Scan all fronts of your life -- children's activities, vacations, uses of your personal time. Is there anything you routinely want that you are routinely denied? (Except said last word, of course.)

If there's a huge difference in the life you want and the one she's cruise-directing, then this is bigger than "bossy," and you need to express, clearly, both your general unhappiness and your specific preferences.

But if you've surrendered only a few, discrete things to family harmony, then maybe reclaiming those things will both reverse your paralysis and create a pocket of wife-free air. Just feeling more like yourself again can make a dramatic difference in the balance of marital power.

Dear Carolyn: