Hey, jealousy. What's up?

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By Carolyn Hax

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I usually trust my instincts, but lately I've noticed that I'm jealous or suspicious of most women in my boyfriend's life. Like, if they leave the room together I start to think they are up to something. This is obviously me and not him -- any thoughts or suggestions with how to get over this and relax?

Wisconsin

It's not obvious to me that it's you. I do rant on a regular basis against chronic jealousy and those who try to justify it, but I am also a firm believer in trusting jealousy when it flares up in atypical ways. If you're not usually jealous but are now, then please look for the triggers -- not just at your boyfriend's behavior, but also at your own mental state and physical health. If he's doing stuff that doesn't seem aboveboard, or if you're hormonal or under pressure, then all of those are quite capable of making you feel jealous, and are worth taking seriously.

So please don't jump to I'm-the-problem forced relaxation. Take a good look at what the problem might be.

Dear Carolyn:

My mom hates my boyfriend and has told me, gently but firmly, that she respects my ability to make adult decisions; he is not welcome in her home. She tends to be very laissez-faire and has chosen not to be specific because she feels it would undermine my decision to be with him. I don't know if it was a psychological tactic or what, but the more she smiles and keeps quiet about her dislike, the more I feel I HAVE to know what's wrong. She is generally a good mom and a good person and I really trust her opinion. What can I do?

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