Feeling unwelcome? Keep your balance

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

We have plans this weekend to visit my husband's family. I just found out that my husband's brother, "Bill," called my husband and asked him not to bring me. When asked why, Bill gave a really flimsy answer about my not fitting in with them and how they were not comfortable with me being there. My husband told Bill that he was totally out of line and that if I was not welcome, he would not be attending. He also told Bill that he could explain to their parents why we weren't there and hung up.

Bill called back, apologized and said that he was out of line and that we were both welcome in their home.

The thing is I don't feel welcome at all and don't want to go. I had no idea Bill (and presumably his wife) did not like me -- especially to this extent. I am really close with my husband's parents and other siblings, and this whole situation has left me feeling . . . well, pretty much like crap. If we do go, how do I interact with this brother- and sister-in-law? I could end up just bawling at the dinner table.

How to Deal

If you do go, I hope you'll catch a moment with Bill alone to say, "I don't understand what I've done, but whatever it is, I hope we can get past this."

It shows that: 1. You have [parts]; 2. If he tries a stunt like this again, neither you nor your husband will back down (and perhaps he should consider bowing out); 3. You are approachable, so he loses any excuse for not addressing you directly; and 4. You're not going to be a party to silent tension.

Please talk to your husband about this either way, so you're of one mind on how to handle the visit.

I'm sorry it came to this, and it will be a white-knuckle moment if you choose to take it on, but I really think it will help -- your confidence, if nothing else -- to walk toward the fire, instead of retreating.