Recipe for disaster: When the end is here, take your cues from films like '2012'

When the world ends, there will be cannibals. There will be sepia tones. The Statue of Liberty's mammoth head will go thundering through the streets, after being dislodged from her body by a big tidal wave, or perhaps a fiery rain of asteroids. You will be safe, providing you have not just made a declaration of eternal devotion, such as "I will never leave you," in which case you're probably toast. So don't say that.

Thank God for the movies. Without them, we would never know the proper way to behave at the end of the world.

"The Road," depicting a father and son's hopeless trudge through a post-apocalyptic world, opened on Wednesday. It followed "2012," depicting a father and kids' frantic race through a near-apocalyptic world, in accordance with alleged ancient prophecy. Lucky for you, you don't need a Mayan calendar to guide you through Armageddon. When the end comes, just get your advice from Hollywood.

STEP 1:

Move to Topeka

To increase your odds of surviving the end of the world, it is advisable to move to Kansas, Nebraska or Iowa. This is because the world will not end in the Midwest. It will end only in major coastal cities that contain recognizable landmarks, which the storm/asteroids/aliens will destroy for maximum cultural poignancy. The world frequently ends in Washington, with the demolition of the White House. The world more frequently ends in New York. But the end of the world never, ever involves the demolition of the farm and fleet in a flyover state. Go there.

Notable exception to flyover-state rule: South Dakota, though technically a part of the Midwest, is not recommended for relocation, as Mount Rushmore makes the entire state vulnerable to the end of the world.

See: "The Day After Tomorrow," "Cloverfield," "Independence Day."

STEP 2:

Buy a tuxedo

Though the United States government employs hundreds of geologists, astronomers and other scientists, none of them will realize that the end of the world is coming. Only a dingbat living in a trailer crunching numbers on a Casio calculator will realize that the end is near. But when he attempts to burst into the White House to warn the president, he is turned away because he is wearing a holey T-shirt. This wastes precious hours. In order to speed up the saving of the human race, all dingbats should invest in formalwear.

See: "2012," "War of the Worlds," "Deep Impact."