Tiger Woods's winning strategy: Keeping quiet

By Kathleen Parker
Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The feeding frenzy over Tiger Woods's tiny run-in with a fire hydrant has taken voyeurism to new depths.

Where was he going at 2:25 in the morning? Why wasn't he wearing shoes? Why was his wife smashing his Cadillac Escalade's window with a nine-iron?

Prying minds apparently want to know all this and more. And the insatiable, ubiquitous media -- from the bloviating blogosphere to the cackling cable commentariat -- are all too happy to oblige.

Might we interrupt this terribly unimportant episode in the private life of a professional golfer to point out that it's nobody's business? This isn't breaking news. This is breaking gossip.

The news ended with the report that Woods had run into a fire hydrant outside his Windermere, Fla., home and has decided not to play in his own tournament because of minor injuries suffered. That should be a wrap.

Instead, enter the "experts," thousands of whom must reside in an underground bunker near the television studios -- either awaiting the next calamity or, perhaps, zipping out releases to newsrooms suggesting fresh story angles.

I get a dozen a day: "If you're thinking of writing about Such-and-Such, you might be interested in talking to So-and-So."

Thus, crisis management experts are filling airtime, yakking about what Woods should do to salvage his public image. The rumors, after all, could be true!

Pssst: He might have been having an affair. Psssst: His wife might have smashed the window in anger rather than trying to get him out of the car. Pssst: His (alleged) mistress . . .

You see, Woods, the richest athlete on Planet Earth, has had his idyllic image tarnished by -- what? Innuendo and whispers by that scurrilous wormtongue, Anonymous.

Among the many less-than-brilliant observations in the past few days is that Americans will forgive almost anything if people will just fess up. The implication is that Tiger will be forgiven his transgressions, whatever they are, if he'll just TELL US THE SALACIOUS DETAILS!

For God's sake, Tiger, tell us or we'll have to get back to our own pedestrian lives. Or, heaven forbid, focus on the prospect of 30,000 more American troops being sent to Afghanistan.

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