Carolyn Hax: Some mistakes just can't be unmade

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

Over three years ago I made a huge mistake that really hurt one of my cousins (we are both in our early/mid-20s now). While on a family vacation, I had relations with her roommate/love interest, who was staying at our vacation home. They were not in a relationship, but I knew she was very into this guy, and I clearly crossed a boundary that I shouldn't have crossed.

Long story short, everyone found out and both the love interest and I left the vacation early.

She accepted my apology, but we are not close as we used to be. Her younger sister still also holds a grudge (although what happened was not anything that directly concerned her), and claims she never liked me to begin with. Of the two girls, my younger cousin is the one who seems to dislike me more for what happened.

I can't believe what I did, and my behavior still bothers me to this day. The situation is especially hard because my extended family gets together a lot for various occasions, and I always feel like somewhat of an outsider since this happened. I understand that I was foolish and put myself in this situation, but how can I go about repairing ties with this part of my family? I've thought about sending handwritten notes to both of my cousins. I'd like to apologize for my behavior back then and explain that I've grown as a person since, and really want them to know the better me.

Va.

Then all you can do is continue on as the better you, and let your cousins witness that over the (probably) years it will take them to believe this chastened, grown-up version of you has permanently displaced the thoughtless one. If they ever do.

You do, by the way, take less than the full responsibility you suggest you have taken. The younger sister "holds a grudge"? When your transgression "was not anything that directly concerned her"? Really?

I could easily argue that her sister's devastation directly concerned her, especially if she was a primary player in hand-holding and the picking up of pieces -- but even if she just feels attached to or protective of her sister. And if she truly didn't like you before -- certainly possible, not to mention her prerogative -- then this wouldn't be so much a held grudge as an abiding distaste for your company.

Harsh to see that spelled out, I know -- I'm not unsympathetic. But it's important to understand that some things can't be made right, don't go away, do leave a scar.

Is this one of them? Maybe, maybe not. You were all young enough then -- and are still -- to have a lot of room to grow. (Whether you all do the growing, of course, is never a given.) That growth might soften you all.

As adults, too, their minds may be on building relationships that will eventually result in their own extended families, as opposed to mending problematic ones from the past.

You may sense an opportunity to say something to them someday, again, in person. Just prepare yourself first: They are less invested in forgiving you than you are in being forgiven.