By NORMAN CHAD
Monday, December 14, 2009
It's every man's nightmare: Pulling out of your own driveway, you hit a fire hydrant and 37 mistresses drop out of the sky. Tiger Woods's private flings have become public fodder. He is taking an "indefinite break" from golf, but he carries on. Here now, "A Day in the Life of Tiger Woods":
6:10 a.m.: Wakes up, gets dressed and goes home.
6:45: Breakfast at Perkins Restaurant. Tips waitress $250 on a $16.75 bill.
8:13: Calls Las Vegas banks, sees if anyone has tried to cash one of those oversize golf checks.
8:52: Five-year supply of Gillette razors mysteriously has been dumped into guest bathroom.
9:07: Cancels lunch date with David Duchovny.
10:28: Switches cellphone service from "family plan" to "unlimited night and weekend mistress minutes."
11:14: Takes Jesper Parnevik off Christmas card list.
11:56: Finishes monthly column for Golf Digest on unplayable lies.
12:03 p.m.: Picks up rental tux for "Cablinasian Father of the Year" banquet.
1:43: Sees if Hank Haney's got any bright ideas.
2:38: Nike calls back, tells him it will not replace the golf club.
4:02: On off chance he has no other plans, books New Year's Eve trip to Caesars Palace.
4:18: Faxes Dick Ebersol questions NBC can ask him during February's WGC-Match Play Championship.
4:37: Denies published report that he cheated on AT&T with T-Mobile.
5:05: Leaves Post-it note on refrigerator, asking Elin to still pick up Sunday golf shirts at cleaners.
5:22: What's a good texting translation for "prophylactics"?
5:30: Watches "Around the Horn" on mute.
6:06: Picks up snacks for book club.
6:22: Sets up TiVo to record Dr. Drew on VH1.
6:28: Orders "Porn Star Brides" from Netflix.
7:13: Shoots 61 on Wii golf.
8:44: Barkley and MJ won't answer their pagers.
9:19: Just for the heck of it, googles "sex in a church parking lot."
10:31: Sends flowers to Rachel.
10:32: Sends flowers to Jamiee.
10:33: Sends flowers to Kalika.
10:34: Sends flowers to Jamie.
10:35: Sends flowers to Mindy.
10:36: Sends flowers to Cori.
10:37: Sends flowers to Holly.
10:38: Sends flowers to Joslyn.
10:39: Buys 25,000 shares of FTD stock on Ameritrade.
11:26: Notices that Elin has "Tiger-proofed" master bedroom.
11:58: Double-checks prenup to see if it has "lothario loophole."
2:25 a.m.: E-mails Windermere Public Works and asks if it can remove that hydrant.Ask The Slouch
Q. So you advocate intramural sports over intercollegiate athletics? What are you, a socialist? (Pat Reynolds; Columbia, S.C.)
A. Intramural sports for all, instead of intercollegiate athletics for the few, better serves our society. If that makes me a "sports socialist," so be it; back in the day, the communist beatniks always got the girl.
Q. Do you think the NCAA is at all alarmed at the increasing dropout rate of student-poker players and will the NCAA institute new guidelines if its member institutions do not act to increase the graduation rate of student-poker players? (Brad Porter; Kansas City, Mo.)
A. Though your proposal is well-intended, the Poker Championship Series (PCS) will not allow it.
Q. When you lost Versus off of your DirecTV package, who did you call to complain? (Jody Abrams; Pittsburgh)
A. I didn't complain.
Q. During football games, I've noticed that the center often will point up field before he snaps the ball. Could it be he wants to make sure the rest of the team knows which way to go? (Ed Anderson; Kirkland, Wash.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Do Nevada state prisoners have access to the Internet or did O.J. Simpson have to go to the local library to cast his Heisman Trophy ballot? (Charlie Tercek; Novelty, Ohio)
A. Ring up another one, Shirl.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!