Saints won't march out with this Super Bowl title

Here are details for the Jets' Super Bowl victory parade, still scheduled for Feb. 9. Rex Ryan will emerge from his Summit, N.J., home in his Jets bathrobe at 11:15 a.m. and -- like Tony Soprano used to do -- walk to the end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper. At the moment he retrieves it, a caravan of three Jets fans in a 1987 Dodge Charger -- two wearing Mark Gastineau jerseys, one wearing a Joe Klecko jersey -- will drive by and honk five times en route to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts, where they will purchase two dozen powdered cake munchkins for their weekly Tuesday breakfast.

Colts kicker Matt Stover, at 42, will be the oldest person ever to play in a Super Bowl. He saw The Who at Woodstock.

Oh, yeah, the game itself -- you probably want to know who's going to win. Once a year, I provide the EXACT FINAL SCORE of a game beforehand. (I first performed this feat in 1980, when I nailed Ronald Reagan's 489-49 electoral-vote margin over Jimmy Carter.) The last couple of Super Bowls have gone to the wire -- ain't gonna happen. The Saints are the sentimental favorites to take it all -- ain't gonna happen. Couch Slouch and Peyton Manning don't have a sentimental bone in our bodies. What's gonna happen: Colts 33, Saints 22.

Ask the Slouch

Q. Is Kurt Warner retired for good, or is he Brett Favre with a bigger family? (Ryan Grant; Katy, Tex.)

A. Warner already has returned to his home planet K-PAX in the constellation of Lyra, where he plans to complete his doctoral thesis on earthlings.

Q. Team Korea just won an international text-messaging competition in New York, with Team USA finishing second. Is there any sport we can still kick the world's butt in? (Marc Golden; Rocky River, Ohio)

A. No-limit Texas hold 'em, baby.

Q. How much sleep did you lose watching the Australian Open live? (Bill Clarke; Chicago)

A. None. I tape it and watch all the matches when I go on vacation in August.

Q. In Super Bowl I, were the Packers and Chiefs both at a disadvantage since neither had Super Bowl experience? (Andrew Lockett; Arlington)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask the Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!