Carolyn Hax: Dating a much older man could be linked to low self-confidence

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi Carolyn:

I've been dating someone for five years who is 16 years my senior, and we've talked about marriage. He and I are a great match, though I do at times wish the age difference were less significant. People often mistake him for my father. I can understand it, but it bugs me to the point that sometimes I find myself snapping "BOYFRIEND. Not FATHER."

The difference does make me feel self-conscious (I'm not a particularly self-confident person anyway). Stereotypes don't help, either. I always feel like people think I'm dating him for money, etc., but that couldn't be further from the truth.

Can you suggest a better way for me to deal with judgmental people and be a little easier on myself as well?

Maryland

The best way to deal with these often innocent mistakes, as well as the not-so-innocent stereotyping, is to face the biggest problem you mention: your low self-confidence.

I realize I'm treading close to the stereotype line myself -- but when someone professes to insecurity in a letter about having a significantly older mate, it just screams, "I feel better with someone taking care of me."

That in itself isn't a problem, as long as you like who you are and appreciate this configuration.

But your bristling at the comments is the universal flag for "I'm not comfortable in my own skin." And that suggests a couple of things: (1) Your current romantic arrangement is a Band-Aid for an underlying problem; (2) You haven't found peace emotionally, so the conditions upon which you might base a marriage are still in flux.