Couch Slouch has finally gone to the dogs

A dog named Sassy gets ready for the dog show in New York.
A dog named Sassy gets ready for the dog show in New York. (Frank Franklin Ii/associated Press)
Monday, February 15, 2010

When you gather 2,500 dogs in one spot, what happens? The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is like a cruise ship for canines -- a big crowd in a confined space, all waiting to eat. Once again, intrepid Siberian Husky Chuchi's Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his four-legged week in New York:

Wednesday: This is our Daytona 500, our U.S. Open, our Kentucky Derby -- where's Costas or Jim Nantz? . . . Worst thing about the dog-show circuit? Flying in the cargo hold. . . . If I were king for a day, you wouldn't see a Lhasa Apso from here to Poughkeepsie. . . . I may not be best-in-breed, but I look damn good walking down Broadway. . . . McGruff the Crime Dog? Please. He couldn't solve a TV Guide crossword puzzle. . . .

One day, I'm going to get me a white-collar job.

Thursday: My Uncle Scruffy loves to tell the story about the time his dog-obedience class took a field trip to Washington, D.C., and he peed on the White House lawn. . . . Granted, I'm germ-a-phobe, but I hate drinking out of a community water dish. . . . Unless you're near Central Park, there's no place to poop in midtown Manhattan. . . . Cellphone use among Labradoodles is out of control. . . .

Trust me: If they gave us a toilet, we'd use it.

Friday: As founder of Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People (AETP), for goodness sakes, folks, STOP KILLING YOURSELVES. . . . By the way, you all eat at least three times a day and feed us just twice a day -- what's up with that?. . . . I know we're supposed to be "man's best friend," but if I have to spend another night in that hotel room watching Nancy Grace while my owner dozes off, that man's going to have to find a new best friend. . . . FYI: To most of us, "fetch" is a four-letter word. . . .

I hope they're still cleaning up after us in the afterlife.

Saturday: You know why New York's the city that never sleeps? Because some yahoo's honking his horn every 15 seconds. . . . My cousin Petey went to a dog show in Paris once and every water dish was filled with Evian. . . . All the travel wears me down -- sometimes, you just want to pee in your own back yard. . . . If they remade "Lassie" today, I'd bet he could text-message for help. . . . I'm still missing the "Waterloo" painting from my "Dogs Playing Poker" collection, if anyone out there can help. . . .

I'd give anything for a back scratcher.

Sunday: The one thing I learned from "Broadway Danny Rose": Before you go into the ring, always say your three S's -- star, smile, strong. . . . I would give up pigs' ears for a year to win this damn thing. . . . I can't watch the Winter Olympics -- if ice dancing's a sport, then I'm a Rottweiler. . . . Hey, but I'd take those skating judges over these clueless chumps any day of the week. . . . I'll be honest with you: Sometimes I bark at the UPS guy because I can. . . .

Doberman Pinschers have absolutely NO sense of humor.

Monday: Finally got around to seeing "Marley & Me" on DVD -- I cried more than my owner did during "The Notebook." . . . I know we're in New York City, but I don't need a bagel every morning. . . . Weirdest sight of the day: A German Shepherd with a pager. . . . How come when Tiger Woods cheats on his wife, everyone calls him "a dog"? The man's a snake, no? . . . Several of the big-name pooches here are blogging for Dog World magazine.

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