My country, right or righter: Gene Weingarten confronts the results of a Republican poll

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By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, February 28, 2010

Did you read about the recent poll of registered Republicans, the one that showed them to be just a tad ... extreme? More than half believe President Obama might not have been born in the United States and maybe should be impeached. Only 8 percent believe that openly gay people should be allowed to teach in the public schools. Three-quarters believe public school children should be taught that the Book of Genesis explains the origin of life. About half believe that the birth-control pill is, or might be, the same as abortion. Ninety-one percent are in favor of the death penalty.

Predictably, the liberal media jumped all over this, suggesting that their political adversaries are, in architectural terms, a few bubbles off plumb.

Now I certainly don't want to throw any more heat on an already boilingly polarized situation, but as an investigative humorist, I have come into exclusive possession of some questions and answers from the unpublished, shocking and completely spurious second half of the poll. Here are the highlights:

If Barack Obama were at your feet dying of thirst and you had a cold 2-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi, what would you do?

Seventy-one percent said they would "probably let him lick the sweat off the bottle."

Twelve percent said they would offer him a "nice crouton" or a "couple of saltines."

What animal does Barack Obama remind you of?

Forty-one percent asked, by way of clarification, if a maggot is an animal.

What would you do if a homosexual were at your door?

Forty-one percent said they would keep him or her at bay with a pitchfork or a fire hose until police arrived.

Twenty percent said they would sell their house before the neighborhood got any worse.

Is there anything more exciting than watching people drive cars in circles?


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