NOTE: This archive only contains Carolyn Hax columns through March 2011. Her more recent columns are located here.

Carolyn Hax: She's divorcing, pregnant -- and unsure how to tell others

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)
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By Carolyn Hax
Sunday, May 2, 2010

Hi, Carolyn:

I am 30, and going through a divorce.

Against my better judgment but still employing two forms of birth control, the husband I'm divorcing and I were intimate. I am now pregnant.

I can't make a logical argument for having this child. I still want a divorce and my husband is still engaging in the same behaviors that drove me to pack up and leave. I think the logical decision would've been to have an abortion but, though I tried, I never could stomach the thought.

Now I am starting to show and have no idea how to tell people. Those closest to me know, but co-workers, clients, people at church and acquaintances don't. I feel like I should say something because looking more and more pregnant without saying anything seems weird.

At the same time, while I've made peace with it, it seems difficult to announce my pregnancy as most people would: joyous, exciting, etc. I understand the difficult task I'm undertaking and don't want to appear too happy and therefore glib. But I also don't want to present it as news to be mourned.

And I am dreading the question about who the baby's father is. If I got this news from a friend who was divorcing, that question would immediately spring to mind. I hope I'd have the sensitivity to not ask. But it's a legitimate question. What do you think?

Better a baby than . . . leprosy

You chose not to end your pregnancy, so this is a wanted baby. That's joyous news. Period.

As for logical arguments for having the child, you don't have to make any. It happened, you decided how to deal with it, and you're dealing with it. The rest is water-cooler Olympics, and not your problem.


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