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Carolyn Hax: Let friend know she erred in booting overweight bridesmaid

By Carolyn Hax
Saturday, May 8, 2010; C02

Adapted from a recent online discussion:

Dear Carolyn:

So college friend A just disinvited college friend B from being a bridesmaid -- because B is fat and would ruin the pictures and the look of her big day. Friend A did tell me that if B lost some weight, she'd let her back in the wedding party.

Her rationale is that B promised to lose the weight by the wedding but didn't, and that whenever there is a big bridesmaid everyone is looking at her and not the bride.

I am so angry about A's nastiness that I can't even think straight. Is it kosher for me to drop out in solidarity with B (with whom I am actually not that close)? What is the best way for me to communicate to A that she is a gigantic [idiot]? I don't know if I even want to be friends anymore.

B hosted a bridal shower, has come to all the fittings/food tastings/other assorted events. She's a good egg. I heard from mutual friend C that B spent the morning crying. I would too! What can I say to B?

Bridezilla

Wow. Everything you hope to accomplish, you can accomplish in one move: Trust your revulsion and end your friendship with A (which obviously includes dropping out of the wedding). When A asks, tell her exactly why. B doesn't even need to hear it from you; it'll make its way around. I hope C follows your lead.

Dear Carolyn:

Why do mooches always catch the breaks?! Husband and I work and take care of our family. We're paycheck-to-paycheck, but we make it work (live within our means and all). Yet my brother- and sister-in-law live beyond their means and are CONSTANTLY having to be bailed out by family. Just found out they inherited a car from a family member who passed. I know they "need" it, they have only one car, but that's only because they don't take care of anything.

I don't think it's outright jealousy that has my dander up, more that the frivolous are rewarded while the responsible get stiffed. I will just get over it, but am I wrong to feel this way?

Peeved, USA

No, hard feelings are normal and justified. When you witness moochers indulge in what you regard as a luxury, and when you've sacrificed such luxuries yourself, it can really grate.

Still, you presumably have a work ethic that allows you to enjoy your hard victories more than the ones that fall in your lap. Presumably, too, the people you like and respect most are the people with similar values.

So now imagine being a mooch, and consider (1) how you'd feel about taking more than you deserve, and (2) how the people you like and respect would feel about you.

A true mooch would be oblivious to such things, but still -- is that who you want to be?

Re: Mooches:

I have a sibling like this. But you know what? It's my folks' money. They earned it and can do as they like with it. How other people handle their finances is none of my business unless it affects me directly, and this doesn't.

Anonymous

Sanity break. Thank you.

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