Style Invitational Week 878: Making the country more secure (not), plus Facebook status lines

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By The Empress
Saturday, July 17, 2010

Require all suitcases to be see-through.

Indeed, there are lots of bad people out there who want to get us. And indeed, there are lots of bad ideas about how to prevent them from doing it. This week: Tell us a way to make the nation more secure, as in the sensible suggestion above by Loser Peter Metrinko, who proposed this contest. Note: While we love pointed political humor, we are looking for jokes, not screedy rants, and especially not racist rants. They are not funny and we like funny.

Winner gets the Inker, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this handsome 12-by-15-inch signthat will designate your home, office, latrine, etc., as a Loser-friendly site. Donated by Occasional Loser Thad Humphries of Way Out There in Rural Virginia.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 26. Put "Week 878" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 14. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.

Report from Week 874

in which we asked to compose Facebook "status lines" that included at least seven words and phrases from a list of 50 we supplied. You'll notice that some entries have as much to do with anyone's "status" as most of the lines do on the actual Facebook.

The words: glop; rash; Lady Gaga; swerve; tapas; BP; ginormous; museum; dental; frisky; wireless; infomercial; asparagus; tuba; goalie; hyperventilate; pineapple; squishy; projectile; dinner; tea bag; harpsichord; Cuisinart; New Yorker cartoon; Metro; muskrat; vacation; Lindsay; strewn; ziti; zit; Secretariat; Tupperware; apple; escalator; trophy; Slurpee; effete; acid-free; parental control; venison; fastball; martini; status; otter; bicuspid; Fenty; anagram; chronic; Santa.

The winner of the Inker

Stopping to hyperventilate on my climb up the "escalator" -- Metro-speak for "metal stair museum" -- now in its chronic status: on vacation. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C., formerly of Rockville)

2.the winner of "Prez BaRock," basically a rock sitting at a little Oval Office desk: D.C. has more chronic problems than a Metro escalator, but as long as Congress exerts parental control on the District, Mayor Fenty is less likely to succeed than a hockey goalie trying to get dental insurance. (Ward Kay, Vienna)

3. W00T! Got Bluetooth wireless implanted in my bicuspid today. No more effete "Lt. Uhura" museum pieces or chronic ear infections for me! Weird -- a call came in and my mouth just went all squishy. The batteries in this thing are acid-free, right? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

4.Which one of the following is NOT a euphemism? (1) "bacon-wrapped asparagus"; (2) "burped her Tupperware"; (3) "bottomless slurpee"; (4) "the goalie's out of the crease"; (5) "made a tuba player hyperventilate"; or (6) "bypassed her parental controls"? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Weakened updates: Honorable mentions

At dinner, my date showed me her New Yorker cartoon contest entry: Her effete punch line was that the anagram of "a pineapple" is "an apple pie." My Facebook status remains "single and looking." (Ward Kay)

Contracted a ginormous case of "BP rash" on vacation. "Down south" is strewn with oily, squishy zits. (Jeff Contompasis)

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