Below the Beltway

Courting trouble: It's confirmed -- Gene is a jerk

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(Eric Shansby)
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By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, July 25, 2010

I've always known I couldn't get a high government position, because I'd never survive the confirmation hearings.

Senator: Mr. Weingarten, when you were in college, did you take hallucinogenic drugs?

Me: Yes, but no more than your average funkadelic reggae band, and only during heroin droughts.

Senator: The witness is excused.

It also would not go well for me if they probed too deeply into my politics, which are extremely liberal.

Senator: Please state your positions on abortion, flag-burning, gun control and the role of religion in a pluralistic society.

Me: [I explain my views in detail and with complete candor.]

Senator: Please prepare the witness for lethal injection.

So I've always figured that high appointive position was out, but I've changed my mind. I now think I might have a shot at the U.S. Supreme Court. I concluded that after watching the confirmation hearings for Elena Kagan, where it became clear that a Supreme Court candidate is not only allowed to be evasive, but is encouraged to be evasive. Because it is tactically unwise to reveal any position with which anyone might disagree, weaseling is admired as lawyerly skill.

Senator: Mr. Weingarten, when you were in college, did you consume hallucinogenic drugs?

Me: I think we both know it would be improper for me to address that question, Senator.

Senator: I apologize. I feel so, so ... dirty.

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