Week 885: Spoof a Post headline; and limerick contest results

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By The Empress
Saturday, September 11, 2010


New Lawsuit to Challenge Laptop Searches

'I Beg Your PARDON!' No Longer Seen

as Effective Deterrent to Gawking Co-Worker

The return of this week's contest -- a hardy perennial -- was prompted by a headline in last Sunday's Post: "Atlanta copes with becoming a one-race town." We were concerned for a moment that the Paragon of the New South had, overnight, undergone some horrible ethnic purge, until we realized that there will now be only one NASCAR Sprint Cup race in Atlanta every year, instead of two. This week: Take any headline, verbatim, appearing anywhere in The Post or on washingtonpost.com from Sept. 10 through Sept. 20 and reinterpret it by adding a "bank head," or subtitle (like the joke bank head offered under the actual Post headline above). You must include the date and page number of the print-paper headline; for Web articles, give the date and copy a sentence or two of the story (even better, just copy the URL). You don't have to use the entire length of the headline, but don't skip words or use misleading snippets; for example, you can't change "Teachers Pass Out New Assignments" to "Teachers Pass Out." Headlines in ads and subheads within an article (as well as actual bank heads) can be used, too, as can the one-line links on the home page to the articles.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins a vintage-looking dispenser of Executive Red Tape, a little roll of actual red tape, helpfully imprinted with "RED TAPE" throughout, donated by Kenneth Harkavy of Potomac. This item will surely be useful in any number of Losers' offices; to claim it, the winner need only submit a notarized Runner-Up Requisition 34(b) in triplicate. Photocopies will not be accepted.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 20. Put "Week 885" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Oct. 9. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Kevin Dopart; this week's honorable-mentions subhead is by Brad Alexander.

Report from Week 882

our annual contest in which we ask for limericks featuring words from one sliver of the dictionary, this time words beginning with dr-: We received about 1,000 limericks, of which about 850 didn't contain the requisite hickory-dickory-dock/dickory-dock rhythm, didn't rhyme properly, and/or weren't very funny or witty. Fortunately, some of the greatest limericians on Earth are Style Invitational Losers.

The winner of the Inker:

A line, hint or clue; to my knees;
A subject, a bomb and my fees;
Off or out, in or by;
The ball and my guy --
Droppin' everything, even my g's. (Carole Lyons, Arlington)

2. the winner of the pair of Handerpants tighty-whitey-motif gloves:
When a mathematician named Lind
Was informed he looked pie-eyed, he grinned:
"I shan't drink anymore
Since I'm 3.14
15926 sheets to the wind." (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

3. In feudal times, droit du seigneur
Meant a lord could "invade" (filthy cur!)
The bride of his vassal
Right there in the castle!
Predictably, no one asked HER. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

4. The AAA-AA, I think,
Is a merger -- two clubs got in sync.
(AAA is for cars;
AA, too many bars.)
It's for folks who are driven to drink. (David Goldberg, Pinckney, Mich., a First Offender)

AABBA dabbling: Honorable Mentions

When invited to dine with Count Dracula,
I expected a menu spectacula;
But d'you know what I got?Merely blutwurst, that's what!
(I.e., "blood sausage" -- that's the vernacula).
(Hugh Thirlway, The Hague)

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