Kim Jong Eun, perfect for a prime time role
TO: Trey Parker & Matt Stone
FROM: Monica Hesse & Dan Zak
RE: Kim Jong Eun
Since you've spent 15 long years in the snows of "South Park," how about a new comedy based on the exploits of Kim Jong Eun, who was publicly confirmed this week as successor to his father, Kim Jong Il? We admire your track record of North Korean satire: the Pyongyang-set musical number "I'm So Ronery" was the emotional high point of your film "Team America: World Police." Why not extend this effort to a third generation of despots?
The whole situation is already a "soap opera," says Bruce Bennett, a senior defense analyst at the Rand Corp. Eun is the youngest son of Kim Jong Il and one of Kim Jong Il's mistresses.
It's like "Big Love," except they're communists.
The heir was either born in late 1983 or early 1984, so there'll be interest in the key demo. His elder brothers are reportedly considered unfit for governing. The oldest tried to enter Japan using a fake passport because he wanted to visit Tokyo Disneyland. The middle child is reportedly "no good because he is like a little girl." This quote comes from the tell-all book penned by the family's former sushi chef. He fled the country after telling the dictator he needed to purchase sea urchins in Hokkaido, Japan.
Think "Top Chef." With gulags!
The U.S. government "has spent tremendous effort trying to find out about [Eun]," says Marcus Noland, deputy director of the Peterson Institute for International Economics, who has studied economic problems in North Korea. Details are sketchy, but it is "not a very flattering portrait. Someone who in a clinical setting might be diagnosed with some personality disorder."
"He has a potentially wicked aunt and uncle to 'help him' as he learns the ropes," says Nick Eberstadt, a scholar at the American Enterprise Institute. Eun's aunt, who has no military experience, was recently made a four-star general, and his uncle may be plotting a power grab.
It's like "The Amazing Race," only no one's allowed to leave the country.
Now, for visuals. In an official photo released by the Korean Central News Agency, Eun appears scary and lardy. He favors a black button-up Mao suit that harks back to the attire of his grandfather, Kim Il Sung, according to Scott Snyder, adjunct senior fellow for Korea studies at the Council on Foreign Relations.
Based on reports from former classmates in Switzerland, Eun was a shy skier who wore very expensive tennis shoes and enjoyed movies featuring hand-to-hand combat and Jackie Chan. In short, he is primed for prime time.
We suggest his character be voiced by Margaret Cho.
Cho, as you may know, was eliminated from "Dancing With the Stars" earlier this week. We think this new assignment will be a constructive use of her time.