Below the Beltway
The last auction hero: Gene takes on eBay
This column was written entirely while on hold with eBay customer service.
John: My name is John. What is the nature of your problem?
Me: The nature of my problem is that I've been on hold for one hour and 11 minutes, listening to staticky Beethoven. Every 30 seconds a woman's voice has told me the call was important to her and then a man's voice has told me that someone will be with me "in just a moment." So eBay has been serially lying to me four times a minute for a total of 284 lies. It was in the middle of the 285th lie when you picked up and told me your name was John, which I am thinking, from your voice, is a 286th lie.
John: My name is really John.
Me: Where are you, John?
John: San Jose.
Me: I don't think so.
John: We are located in San Jose.
Me: You are not. Admit it.
John: Okay. We are an offshore center. Calls are routed through San Jose.
Me: Two hundred eighty-six!
John: How may I help you?