Saturday, December 11, 2010;
Week 898: Pre-current events
Feb. 13: Lady Gaga shocks the Grammy Awards audience by appearing in a knee-length navy blue coatdress from Sears.
There will undoubtedly be no shortage of ridiculous news items that will help the Greater Loser Community satiate the gaping maw of Style Invitational contests throughout next year. But why wait for them? Let's just make our own, ahead of time. This week: Predict some humorous news event that would happen in 2011, as in the example above. Which is by 41-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who writes his own weekly humor column, Culture Shlock, which appears in several California newspapers and online. And every January, Malcolm offers up his predictions for the coming year, none of which, yet, has come true.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the fabulous Pointless Calendar, a big wall-hung thing featuring, for each month, a large photo of something boring, like a piece of asphalt, as well as the "calendar" part that includes a handy 40 days per month (but no days of the week). We guarantee that this this calendar will never ever go out of date. Donated by the similarly dateless Loser Brendan Beary.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to email@example.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 20. Put "Week 898" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte.Report from Week 894
in which we invited you to enter (or reenter) almost any of the year's previous contests, using the current newspaper in contests that asked for plays on that week's headlines. It's amazing how many contests were just perfect for humor about airport pat-downs and money in bras. Given the space limitations of the print page, most of the long-form Losing entries, such as song parodies and Venn diagrams, appear at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.The winner of the Inker
Week 855, poems on the news:
A Double Tactile
Fondles my stuff in an
Many object to this
Sadly for me it's the
Height of my day.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
2 winner of the Valerie Flame Hot Sauce plus the Splat brand Russian toothpaste: Week 872, combine the beginnings of someone's first and last name: Ruslim: A worshiper of an intolerant, hateful deity. (John Holder, Charlotte)
3 Week 847, a question that a sentence in that week's Post might answer:
A. I could see if I had done something wrong.
Q. So, how would you know if your plan to punish yourself succeeded, Oedipus? (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
4 Week 885, a bank headline under an actual Post headline:
Head: Panel calls for federal workers' sacrifice
Bank: Tickets go on sale tomorrow
(Mike Braton, Alexandria, a First Offender)
Week 843, the line preceding a famous line of literature: ZIIIIIIIIP.Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village, though . . . (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
Week 847, questions for Post sentences: A. She sighs and drops her head. Q. I hear you're playing Marie Antoinette in the school play - what does your character do? (Russell Beland)
Week 848, rhopalic sentences, in which each successive word is one letter longer: So Joe, only you're having trouble spelling Murkowski. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Week 849, homonym neologisms: Midknight: Where the jouster's lance stopped. (Erik Wennstrom, Bloomington, Ind.)
Week 852, reverse rhopalic sentences: Fundraiser announced; Johnsons mistype invite, offer "cash bra." (Craig Dykstra)
Week 860 Define someone or something in exactly 10 words: Benjamin Netanyahu: In any conflict, depend on him to make a settlement. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)
Week 870, Ask Backward: questions to match phrases we supplied: A. Avoid these potty training missteps.Q. What is the subtitle of the parents' guide "Turn the Other Cheek"? (Bernhard Saxe, Springfield)
Week 871, slightly altered movie titles: Center the Dragon: Bruce Lee takes up yoga. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Snakes on a Panel: Executives from Lehman Brothers, BP and Halliburton testify before Congress on the need for easing government restrictions. (Nancy Schwalb, Washington, a First Offender)
Three Men Sand a Baby: A home improvement project goes horribly wrong. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Up in the Hair: Lice in Wonderland. (Craig Dykstra)
Week 885, bank headlines: Post headline: Democratic strategists ready to take page from GOP playbookBank head: Pelosi, Hoyer call Obama a foreign-born socialist traitor (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Wizards fade in follow-up'Deathly Hallows Part 2' deemed anticlimactic (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Week 886, palindrome neologisms: Junknuj: The TSA's first line of defense. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
See more honorable mentions here.
Next week: Picture this, or Dada mining