Style Invitational: Week 900: Write us a 'Dear Blank' letter

Week 900: Dear us!

Dear Obama: They're just so hard to please, aren't they? - Sincerely, Bush

Dear Y: Commit already! - Sincerely, A, E, I, O and U

Dear America: Due to the current financial restraints, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice. - Sincerely, The Government

On this day of giving, and in this last Invite of the year, the Empress is pleased to poach from Dear Blank Please Blank, a Web site to which some very clever and some not very clever people submit, anonymously, very brief "letters" of the form "Dear [Blank], [Funny thing.] Sincerely, [Blank]," as in the recent examples above.

This week: Submit such a "Dear Blank" letter to us instead. The body of the letter should run no more than 30 words, unless a few more words will turn it into an astonishingly brilliant and hilarious display of wit. Do not post your entries on the actual site until after our results appear online on Jan. 21, or else we'll assume you stole them.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives something you'll wish you got for Christmas: this handsome corrugated-steel necktie intended for use as a musical washboard. It makes quite a spirited rattle with the aid of the two thimbles included, as the Empress discovered upon trying it out in a restaurant. Donated by Russell Beland.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 3. Put "Week 900" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Sunday, Jan. 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Beverley Sharp; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Roy Ashley. This week's contest was suggested by Kevin Dopart.

Report from Week 896

In which we asked what would happen if one institution on a list we supplied were run by another one on the list, or by an organization of your choice:

The winner of the Inker

If an adult bookstore ran FedEx Field, under every seat would be a brown paper bag to be worn on the ride home. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

2 winner of the Intel-style "Loser Inside" decal: If "Dancing With the Stars" ran a preschool, even the most awkward student could survive Musical Chairs, if enough people liked her mom. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

3 If a police department ran a preschool, toddlers would be cuffed at naptime if they resisted a rest. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

4 If the TSA ran L'Oreal Cosmetics, they could tell you how to cover that birthmark on your inner thigh. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)