CAROLYN HAX

The truth? Maybe you can't handle the truth.

Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, February 11, 2011

Dear Carolyn:

Is it okay for a husband or wife to have a secret friend of the opposite sex?

I have found proof within our computer's history that contact has been going on for at least three years. They met at work. Whenever I try to broach the subject, I get screamed at and told that I have no idea what I am doing with a computer, therefore I am wrong.

Coincidentally, whatever proof I found gets deleted after our conversation. I check the history the next day.

We have even seen this person while we are out in public; they always acknowledge each other, secretively of course, thinking evidently that I am deaf, dumb and blind.

They are probably just friends, but I don't know what to do. I have become moody, paranoid, stressed. . . . The irony is, my spouse keeps complaining about my mood.

I have found myself not believing my spouse in other instances, like why s/he is home late from work. My spouse might be telling the truth - but I can't get past the secret friend.

I honestly feel that my spouse thinks if s/he told me about the friendship, then I would become a raving lunatic. This is killing me. Is it okay for a spouse to have a secret friend?

I need to hear the truth

How much more of the truth, exactly, do you feel you need to hear?

You know your spouse is hiding someone from you and lying about it; would rather scream at you and malign your competence than dignify you with the truth; isn't trustworthy; is complaining about your role in the marriage while steering substantial attention outside of it.

You know you're a wreck.


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