Interview with SpongeBob on education

SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob SquarePants
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Monday, February 14, 2011; 11:28 PM

SpongeBob SquarePants graciously agreed to be interviewed about education by reporter Valerie Strauss, who came up with the questions with some help from her daughters. Bikini Bottom news anchor Perch Perkins actually "asked" the questions.

Why are you having so much trouble graduating from Mrs. Puff's boating school?

Mrs. Puff holds me to a slightly higher standard than most of her students, and I will honor her by taking the test as many times as she deems necessary.

If you were a teacher, what subject would you want to teach? Why?

I would love to teach bubble-blowing if the local community college ever decides to add it to the curriculum. It's a great artistic outlet and a perfect way to blow off the stresses that the workaday world throws at you.

What do you think makes a good teacher?

Someone who knows more about the subject than the students.

Was it hard learning the Krabby Patty formula? Could you teach it to us?

Naw it was easy, you just start with 2 cups of . . . HEY WAIT A SECOND!!!! YOU'RE TRYING TO TRICK ME!!!! THE KRABBY PATTY FORMULA IS THE SOLE PROPERTY OF THE KRUSTY KRAB. UNAUTHORIZED USE IS PUNISHABLE TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW! Plus Mr. Krabs would be super-mad at me.

Is Sandy as smart as she seems?

How many squirrels do you know that built rocket ships and flew them to the moon, built whirlybirds that run on coconut milk, or have a secret army of robots in their toolsheds? Most squirrels don't even have enough nuts in storage to get them through the winter.

Do you think Patrick is teachable?There are people in this world who transcend "learning." Patrick is one of them. He is a force of nature and blessed with knowledge the way some people are blessed with a full head of hair. It just sprouts up from their head like a kelp field waving majestically in the wind, constantly in need of a trim.

What subject do you think everybody in Bikini Bottom should take?I think the rec center is offering a class in table manners.

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