By Lisa de Moraes
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, March 1, 2011; 3:46 AM
"I am on a drug. It's called 'Charlie Sheen,' " Charlie Sheen told ABC on Monday in an Oscar-worthy performance that, sadly, happened the morning after the network's broadcast of the Academy Awards.
"It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body," the benched star of CBS's "Two and a Half Men" told ABC's news division in an interview, portions of which aired Monday on its infotainment show "Good Morning America."
"I woke up and decided, you know, I've been kicked around. I've been criticized. I've been like the 'Aw, shucks' guy with, like, this ... rock-star life," Sheen explained.
"And I'm just finally going to completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it and love it violently. And defend it violently through violent hatred."
Sheen, 45, launched his Violent Hatred Crusade early Monday on both "GMA" and NBC's "Today" show. Sheen followed that up quickly with a live, Web-stream interview with celebrity tabloid Web-site-cum-syndicated-TV-show "TMZ," after which his longtime publicist, Stan Rosenfeld, issued a statement saying: "At this time I'm unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned."
Rosenfeld did not elaborate. But our best guess is it had something to do with that TMZ interview Monday afternoon.
Sheen was asked why - after he wound up in the hospital in October after a bender at the Plaza Hotel in New York - a statement had been issued saying that the actor had suffered an allergic reaction to medication.
"I was asleep when that statement went out. . . . I respect Stan - he was doing the best he could at the moment - but had I conferred with him, I probably would have come up with something better," Sheen responded. Ouch.
After that interesting TMZ chat, a veritable eczema of Sheen interviews broke out on the media landscape Monday, including chats with E!, "Access Hollywood" and "Piers Morgan Tonight," among other lucky venues.
Yes, Monday was quite a busy day in the Charlie Sheen World.
Last Thursday, CBS and Warner Bros. TV took the extraordinary step of scrapping production on the country's most popular comedy series for the rest of the TV season, after Sheen went on his most breathtaking radio tear yet.
"Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of 'Two and a Half Men' for the remainder of the season," the two companies said Thursday in a statement.
That announcement came just hours after recordings of a Sheen interview with syndicated radio personality Alex Jones went viral. In the interview, Sheen repeatedly attacked the show's creator, executive producer Chuck Lorre, whom Sheen insisted on calling "Chaim Levine."
Among the nastier bits of the interview, Sheen told Jones: "Check it, Alex: I embarrassed [Lorre] in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is [that] this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write."
Sheen's Monday interview on "GMA" was conducted at Sheen's home, where he'd undergone his lightning-fast rehab stint after CBS and Warner Bros. "temporarily" shut down production on the show.
Sheen having "completed" rehab, CBS and Warner Bros. were scheduled to resume "Men" production Monday - the day that, instead, ABC and NBC were clocking what are sure to be boffo ratings with their Charlie Sheen Explains It All interviews.
For his "GMA" and TMZ interviews, Sheen was surrounded by his two latest blond "goddesses" - a la Hugh Hefner - as well as the two young sons he shares with ex-wife Brooke Mueller.
On the "Today" show, Sheen announced that he's planning to return to "Two and a Half Men" next season because that's what he agreed to under terms of his contract, he's a man of his word, blah, blah, blah. He also says he'd agree to do a 10th season on the show, after that. But "at this point, because of psychological distress, it's $3 million an episode - take it or leave it," said Sheen, adding: "Look what they've put me through."
Sheen's current salary on the show is nearly $2 million per episode.
"I'm underpaid right now," Sheen added. "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special."
During his various interviews, Sheen acknowledged that he'd used drugs in the past, saying that the last time he used drugs, he "probably took more than anybody could survive."
"I was banging seven-gram rocks and finishing them, because that's how I roll," he told "GMA." "I have one speed. I have one gear - go."
Sheen described himself as superhuman, citing a "different constitution," "different brain" and "different heart" than normal people have, allowing him to survive his drug binges.
"I got tiger blood, man," he said. "My brain . . . fires in a way that is - I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."
But he's off drugs now, Sheen says, because it "bored the hell out of [him] after a while." And relapse is not an option, he insists, because "I blinked and I cured my brain. . . . 'Can't' is the Cancer of Happen."
"GMA" wound up its interview with results of a drug test that Sheen submitted to, which proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he's been clean for at least 24 hours.
Later in the day, Sheen told Piers Morgan that his biggest regret was starting to smoke cigarettes, but added, looking on the bright side, "I'm still alive, which is pretty cool."
And in a candid one-on-one with "Access Hollywood's" Billy Bush, Sheen noted if, as has been speculated, CBS and Warner Bros. think they can replace him on "Men" with John Stamos, they're in for a rude awakening.
"I like John, but he don't have what I have and the show sucks if he's on it. Sorry," Sheen said, sympathetically.
But he saved a morsel for E! about "Men" creator Chuck Lorre. Did you know he's a "retarded zombie"? E! has it on Sheen's authority.
"The fact [CBS CEO] Les [Moonves] didn't fire him is unbelievable," Sheen told E! "He needs to fire this clown. They're not going with my plan - my plan is the best in the world. They all get slaughtered if they don't follow my plan."
"Chuck was on his way out and this is the gratitude I get, him up in my grill," Sheen says. "He tried to impose his silly ideas on me, he told me I need to make a big announcement to everyone and apologize for the dark cloud I brought to the show. I said, 'Get out of my face with your corduroys.' "
At press time, ABC was planning to air more Sheen interview on Tuesday's "GMA," as well as on a special edition of "20/20." And NBC announced Sheen had returned for another round with "Today," which will air Tuesday morning.'Dancing' with these stars
Despite their best efforts, the producers of ABC's hit competition show "Dancing With the Stars" were not able to line up any polarizing political figures to participate in the spring edition, which starts March 21.
Christine O'Donnell, the "I'm not a witch" tea party candidate from Delaware who ran unsuccessfully for the Senate last year, had alerted her fans last week that the producers had made her a formal offer to dance on the show - and she wondered how they'd feel about it if she said yes. Apparently they did not think much.
On the bright side, the producers have lined up: professional dieter Kirstie Alley, former Hugh Hefner gal pal and current E! reality star Kendra Wilkinson, supermodel Petra Nemcova, syndicated talk-show host Wendy Williams and Mike Catherwood - a.k.a. Drew Pinsky's "Loveline" co-host.
Also competing on the next edition of "Dancing": hip-hop singer Romeo and Disney Channel star Chelsea Kane.
The next round of "Dancing" will have a mess of athletes competing. They include Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward, boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard and WWE wrestler Chris Jericho.
"Dancing With the Stars" host Tom Bergeron unveiled the new lineup during Monday's broadcast of reality series "The Bachelor."
After the names were read off and the new dancers came out onstage, reporters in the studio were allowed to ask a couple of questions. One, from Los Angeles ABC station KABC, asked Sugar Ray: "As an athlete, as a boxer, I'm sure you have had to have a secret weapon along the way to knock out your opponent. What will you do to knock out these other 10?"
"I think it's all psychological," Leonard responded. "I think it's spiritual. It's the mental preparation. And I think that - "
"Have you ever watched the show?" "Dancing" host Tom Bergeron wondered, speaking for us all.
That seemed to rattle Leonard, psychologically and spiritually. "Yes, I have," he responded, but without any real chirpiness.
"But you, Tom, you told me backstage that you now have become a boxer, part-time boxer," Leonard continued, trying to change the subject.
"I use the same mind game," Leonard concluded.
"Really? Let's give it up," Bergeron responded, sensing this Q&A was going nowhere fast. "This is going to be a fun season, I can tell."