We'll Always Have Paris

OMG Paris Hilton got out of jail early, like, how did that happen and who does she think she is and how can being confined to a totally rad Hollywood mansion really be, um, punishment?

Fer shure, she gets away with everything. The Internet sex tape thing. The wearing-no-underwear thing. The stupid driving-with-a-suspended-license thing. Now she gets out of the slammer in three days for some teensy weensy medical problem? Like, a crying jag? Her face broke out or something? I mean, really!

Television is just going bonkers over this famous-for-being-famous party girl. Charlie Gibson! Katie Couric! Every cable show on the planet! Lawyers shouting at each other: Miscarriage of justice! No, she was persecuted for being a celebrity! You idiot, she's being coddled!

Forget immigration, Iraq and -- what's that guy's name? -- Libby. We can all have a national meltdown now over Paris! Maybe Bush should pardon her so she doesn't have to keep wearing that designer ankle bracelet for the next 40 days. I wonder if Britney and Linsday can come over to her new "cell"--is Lindsay out of rehab? I'd better find my copy of Us--and they can pretend they're hitting the clubs. Paris, what are we going to do with you? Heyyyy. . . this would make a great reality show.

"Despondent jailbird Paris Hilton, teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown, was plucked from her cell yesterday after serving just three days behind bars, and returned to her personal lap of luxury, outraging prosecutors who vowed to lock her up again," says the New York Post under the headline "BLONDE JUSTICE."

"Just one day after being sprung from jail early, airhead heiress Paris Hilton may be headed back to her cold hard cell," says the New York Daily News.

"It's Sprung Time for Paris," says the L.A. Times: "Sheriff Lee Baca's decision to let Paris Hilton out of jail after she served only three days of a planned 23-day stay sparked outrage Thursday, prompting an emergency court hearing today that could send the hotel heiress back behind bars."

I say, impeach him!

HuffPoster Marty Kaplan underscores the absurdity of the Hilton-heavy climate:

"Within 24 hours, no primate on the planet will be unaware of Paris Hilton's transfer from the pokie to the ankle bracelet, but it is a safe bet that within weeks or even months, relatively few Americans will know the big news going down now in Iraq.

"That's because journalism is distributed in two flavors: push and pull.

"Push-news is what media gatekeepers dangle to grab our lizard-brain attention. It's most apparent in the stories that dominate local television news, which an astonishing 70 percent of Americans say is their primary source of information: crime, celebrity, fires, freak accidents, cats behind drywall, and cross-promotion of network entertainment. This diet of fear, freakshows and touching human interest stories now also drives cable news programming, which has largely become the national version of local news, with bile-spitting national pundits filling in for happy-talking local anchors.