So over this: D.C. "Housewives" recap (Reunion, pt. 2, Oct. 21)
Friday, October 22, 2010; 1:41 AM
Housewives, what do you want? The White House has declared that your co-stars, the Salahis, were not invited to the state dinner; the Congressional Black Caucus has confirmed they were kicked out of that gala; law enforcement officials have denied their fantastical claim that Mary Amons's daughter was implicated in an FBI investigation. You know all this. And you know that Congress has upbraided them, and that their businesses are bankrupt, and their debts are many, and that their social currency is now nil. So what do you want -- for the Salahis to say, "You're right"? Cause it's not gonna happen! There seemed to be a lot of banging-heads-against-walls in tonight's final "reunion" show for "The Real Housewives of D.C.," as the other Housewives -- and host Andy Cohen -- confronted Tareq and Michaele about, well, everything, and got little or no satisfaction. It was a lot of this: We provided wine to the party! The vendor says you didn't! Yes we did! ... That's not your house! Yes it was. Well, you didn't own it! ... The Secret Service didn't kick you out of the CBC dinner! Yeah, well, some other security guards kicked you out! No they didn't! Yes they did! No matter how much evidence of unappealing doings they presented, they just couldn't get those darn Salahis to own up, and it seemed to drive the other cast members crazy. Lynda Erkiletian declared the whole thing a "goat rodeo" to end all goat rodeos. Cat Ommanney stormed off the set. Mary Amons complained the Salahis "hijacked our show." Well, ladies, you just let them do it all over again. There were a couple of good lines. One of them actually came from Tareq! Explaining why he libeled Lolly Amons on national TV by implicating her in a non-existent FBI investigation into the alleged theft of polo gear: "Mr. Cabernet and Mr. Merlot helped me bring it up." Haha! Okay, maybe that's not very funny at all. But then there was Rich Amons, scolding him for not apologizing: "You put my daughter's name with the FBI, and you can't say, 'Hey, I wore my ass-hat that night' "? Oh, maybe you had to be there. How about this one: Lynda saying she threw water not scotch, at Tareq, after he threw wine in her face during the press tour: "I would never waste scotch on you, never ever." This kind of talk seemed to inspire Michaele, who, after nine episodes of trying to project saintly positive-energy vibes, attempted some hair-tossing zingers straight out of Heather Locklear's "Melrose Place" playbook: "Cat, where are you living? I hear you're living in Lynda's basement!" and, "I don't think President Obama and his office would ever uninvite you [from the White House Christmas party] -- maybe your husband uninvited you!" Huh? Andy Cohen, usually so unctuous and snarky, did an admirable job channeling the madness and seeking the truth. Bravo allowed the cameras to run during Tareq's Lolly libeling, but here Cohen made up for it, pressing Tareq on the evidence -- a comment on someone's Facebook photo -- and calling it bogus. Which led to a fun little moment. "The Washington Post said she was not implicated," Cohen said. Tareq scoffed, as if this was plainly ridiculous, "The Washington Post said that we crashed the White House state dinner!" Everyone jumped. "As did every other paper in the country!!!" yelled Stacie Turner. Thank you, Stacie. Oh, about that White House state dinner? "It's a series of misunderstandings but it wasn't caused by the Salahis," Tareq explained patiently. "It was caused by members of the government." The Salahis added a couple new twists to their evolving yet unwavering insistence that oh-yeah-they-really-WERE-invited-no-matter-what-the-hosts-say. Tareq said he called their Pentagon contact's office to ask where guests were supposed to arrive -- and her assistant told him! Michaele explained that they left before dinner "because they had lentil soup." They both referred vaguely to an "off the record" guest list. Andy, unimpressed, kept calmly returning to their correspondence with the Pentagon official they were pressing for an invitation. "This e-mail to me is not a clear invitation," he said. "I can understand how someone who is optimistic might say, 'We've got a shot at this.'" Ultimately, Andy diagnosed them with "a combination of optimism, delusion and chutzpah of the highest level." Yeah, to their faces! And he steadfastly refused to get snarled in the circles of double talk, down to the last minute, as Tareq insisted that the congressional inquiry into the breach was inspired by concerns about Bravo, "whether this was an audition, a publicity stunt." No, said Andy, "it was about whether you snuck into the White House." So, yeah! Andy Cohen wins! He finally got the Salahis to admit ... well, he didn't succeed at any of that either. But he stayed on point, and he didn't lose his cool, and he didn't join the yelling. I'm done. If you want to continue watching "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," you will have to do so without my fact-checking assistance. Did Camille Grammer really tell Kelsey to cast Patricia Arquette in "Medium"? I have no idea. You're on your own.