* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.
He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.
He'll chat about anything.
This week's poll !
Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .
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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.
I don't usually do this, but I'd like to spend some time on fan mail.
I had a great deal of mail on my "Living Will" column Sunday, most of it negative, much of it vicious. Conservatives felt that merely because I was saying I wanted to be allowed to die if at the time of my incapacitation any Spawn of Bush was president, I was, somehow, criticizing our president and his policies. Persons who are flatly anti-abortion somehow felt I was showing a political bias against them by saying I wished to be dead if the Supreme Court had overturned Roe v. Wade and extended the foetal protection to sperm. Persons supporting the right to be fat felt I was insensitive to the Hugely Grotesquely Overweight because I said I wished to be dead if, at the time of my incapacitation, the average American 18-year-old girl weighed as much as a '69 Beetle. None of these people saw anything remotely funny in this column.
But the stunner was a fourth group of people who wrote in large numbers to decry this column. Their letters were forthright, and not rabid, and they had a point, yet I laughed aloud when I read them. I could not help it, because it reminded me once again that that you can never predict whom you are going to offend, and why. Can anyone out there guess what this fourth group was, and what their complaint was?
My favorite letter was the one that follows. I have not received permission to use this person's name, so I am going to alter it here.
Dear Mr. Weingarten: Now I understand why the Washington Post has retained you as a writer. You are nothing but the typical left wing a--hole that infects that whole publication and attempts to infect the whole nation. As the recent elections have proven, however, you can't do it and the defeats are causing you extreme anguish. That anguish gives the bulk of the American public GREAT JOY and hope that it grows each and every day.
Have a miserable day,
Sam Bigos
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
I sent him this response:
Thanks for your letter, SamBIGOS! I am afraid we get too many letters to respond personally to each one, but your praise has been noted in the Post letter-of-praise queue and credited to the account of geneWEINGARTEN, columnist.
Thanks again for your valuable feedback. It is only through reader responses such as yours that we can decide which regular features are proving popular with readers.
He responded thus:
I THINK YOU SHOULD REALLY READ my letter. This is the same way that other weasel, Joe Biden, responds to his mail. Both you jackasses really think people like you-Boy-are you ever wrong.
Sam Bigos
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I sent this response:
Thanks for your letter, SamBIGOS! I am afraid we get too many letters to respond personally to each one, but your praise has been noted in the Post letter-of-praise queue and credited to the account of geneWEINGARTEN, columnist.
Thanks again for your valuable feedback. It is only through reader responses such as yours that we can decide which regular features are proving popular with readers. Rest assured that your input is taken seriously by The Washington Post!
If you would like an autographed picture of geneWEINGARTEN, columnist The Post marketing department will be delighted to accommodate that order, at no charge.
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I have not yet received a response. I truly hope he has not died in a flying-spit attack of apoplexy.
I composed today's poll after reading a particularly annoying post yesterday. I will print the original post along with my explanation of the correct answers, as usual, midway through the chat.
The Comics Pick of the Week is last Wednesday's brilliant Speed Bump. First Runner up is Sunday's Pearls, and second runner up is today's Boondocks.
Okay, let's go.
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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week: Speed Bump ( April 20 )
First Runner Up: Pearls Before Swine ( April 24 )
Second Runner Up: Boondocks ( April 26 )
Also Mentioned: Below the Beltway: Weingarten, Unplugged , ( Post Magazine, April 24 )
Brevity , ( April 20 )
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Caught in the omnipresent grayness of corporate cubicles: Your middle name is "Norman"? That explains so much.
Gene Weingarten: I know. I have successfully hidden this for 20 years, but the copy desk persuaded me that it would make for a funnier column.
Does anyone out there have an even dorkier middle name? Real ones only, please.
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Gene Weingarten: Actually, this reminds me of the single most overpowering, enlightening moment that occurred to me during the four years of doing these chats. It was just a few weeks ago when a female reader blandly informed me that every woman's middle name is "Ann."
Instantly I realized that Ann is my mother's middle name and my wife's. And Liz revealed it was hers, too.
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New York: Gene or Chatwoman:
Is it me or have they now made it impossible to bookmark your chat and column? My old bookmarks no longer work.
washingtonpost.com: Here, make these your new bookmarks:
Below the Beltway , Chatological Humor
Gene Weingarten: A public service announcement.
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Washington, D.C.: Gene,
I take a bus to the metro in the mornings. The bus generally gets us to the metro at 7:16-7:17. The metro comes at 7:20. Each morning, this woman literally sprints from the bus to the platform, where she has to wait for three minutes. This has been going on for a good year now. I'm dying to say something to her -- to point out the fact that she needn't sprint every single morning, as the metro is on some sort of schedule, and as we arrive at roughly the same time every day. Any thoughts as to how I can, with some humor and tact, point this out? Her nervous sprinting drives me nuts, and it causes people behind her to freak out and sprint also, all for nothing.
Gene Weingarten: Give her one of those great t-shirts that reads BOMB SQUAD -- If You See Me Running, Try to Keep Up,
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Moscow, Russia: And speaking of lined bras: Didn't pantyhose used to be a combination of panties and hose? I mean, hence the name? When did women start wearing panties and pantyhose together? Will stockings be added next?
Gene Weingarten: Correct me if I am wrong, ladies, but don't many/most women wear pantyhose sans panties? And WAS there at some point a pantylike top to pantyhose? I was unaware of this.
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Nowhere, Nohow: I have a situation which really needs someone with thoughtfulness and delicacy to address. But that sounds boring, so I'm asking you instead.
Our local headquarters building was renovated, and in the process all the restrooms were made fully accessible. The urinals in the men's rooms were replaced with ground-hugging bowls and foot-pedal flush mechanisms, so that from around knee height upwards, there's just blank wall. Well, except that every other urinal has instead a large plumbing access panel -- in bright, shiny chrome. Oh, and the dividers between them are polished stainless steel.
The effect when you step up to one of these babies is sort of like the triple mirror setup tailors have so you can examine your suit from all sides -- except, of course, this one is stops a bit above waist height, and it's not your suit you're examining.
Also, in the smaller restrooms the sinks are arranged on the opposite wall with one large mirror over all of them, tilted slightly downward. Overall, it's like the hall of mirrors at the carnival, only a bit more explicit.
Perhaps it will help to understand the situation if I mention that the architect in charge of the renovation, and our current lab director and assistant director, are all women. Or perhaps not. Anyway, here are my questions:
1. What statement were they trying to make?
2. Should I take it personally?
3. What can be done to address the situation? (The current answer seems to be "graffiti," but the maintenance staff doesn't like that.)
Gene Weingarten: Here is what you want to do: All the male employees should get together and write a serious and respectful letter to management thanking the designers for all the reflective surfaces in the bathroom, but complaining that there aren't enough, and asking for a mirrored ceiling. Also, that the stalls be equipped with one-foot rulers.
I refuse to answer another question about bathroom or underwear design until someone has asked me something sophisticated about Bauhaus architecture or the Fibonacci series or contemporary views of the eschatological nature of the historical Jesus. I simply shan't be underestimated.
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Weed, Calif.: Hi Gene,
I have an ethical question for you. When one is alone and, uh, in the mood, is it okay to think about people you know (co-workers, store clerks, whoever) or is that crossing some line of decency? I know it's only in my head, but I still feel guilty. Should I stick to imaginary people like Johnny Depp? Or is this something everyone does, so I should just stop feeling guilty and enjoy?
Gene Weingarten: At last, a sophisticated question. The answer requires an understanding application of the principles of teleology, existential philosophy, utilitarianism, ethology, casuistry, and, ultimately, an examination of the notion of solopsism as a device to evaluate situational ethics.
Madam, I believe that one's mind is like Vegas. What happens there, stays there.
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Arlington, Va.: My two guesses as to who you offended:
1. People who wear socks with sandals, or
2. People from a Teaneck, N.J., assisted living facility who swear their home smells like lemon and rosewood.
Gene Weingarten: Nope.
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Arlington, Va.: There's also a fifth group of "Living Will" critics, Gene: those who are extremely disappointed that you've not exercised yours yet.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, that is an omnibus group.
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Re. Living will: Did you get any complaints along the lines that you were being mean to people who like doing those word-find puzzles?
Gene Weingarten: No. But let's be rational: It is probably because those people don't read.
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washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational Archive . More of the past SIs will be added back in... give us a little time. We'll try to figure out why the art didn't show up with this Sunday's offering. -- Liz
Gene Weingarten: Another public service.
We have lots of them today, for some reason.
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Baltimore, Md.: Group most offended by your column? I'll say nurses, who decry their depiction as attractive, buxom ladies (though I don't understand why such a positive representation would be offensive to them).
Gene Weingarten: That's it! I offended nurses, who feel their profession is too often demeaned as a place for sex kittens to ply their trade. Who knew? I love nurses. Nursi. I have been kindly treated by them, never thought of them as bimbos, and never knew anyone did. Apology extended.
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Cathytoon, Colo.: Thank you for your valuable feedback on the comic strip CATHY. Please know that we appreciate your comments and are glad to receive the feedback of such dedicated fans as yourself.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha. If only you WERE Guisewite.
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At work and sad: I just had a horrible, sobbing, trying to compose myself in a bathroom stall at work morning. I am so happy it's I Heart Gene day. I need laughter.
Gene Weingarten: Awwwww.
I have concluded that the reason guys don't cry in bathroom stalls at work is that, basically, not putting too fine a point on this, we suck.
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Hosed in Virginia: Gene, you're right. A completely scientific sampling of my friends and I indicates that the majority of women wear panties under our hose, and have been doing so for a long while now.
Gene Weingarten: Um, that would mean I am wrong. I thought few women did. But thanks.
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Middle name Ann: That was me!; That was me!; I'm glad I could be the cause of such enlightenment...
Now, is there any equivalent middle name for men?
Gene Weingarten: Oooh, good question. It might be Alan. Oh, wait. In most of bucktoothed rural America it is definitely Wayne. Many of them wind up in police blotters.
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Feeling lonely: So I'm a pro-life Catholic East-coast liberal Bush-hater who greatly enjoys your columns and chats. May I continue to read them, or am I just going to mess up the demographics? Do you think Mr. Bigos could handle the possiblity of my existence? Could the democratic party? Maybe I should go away before anyone figures out that the world is in fact not black and white and easily categorized.
Gene Weingarten: Seriously, don't go away. We need you here.
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Ashburn, Va.: What happened to the link at the bottom of the page where I could previously refresh and obtain new questions and answers? Do I now have to go back to the main post.com page and return to the chat? My middle name is not Ann, but, arrghh, Estelle. Dorky, huh?
washingtonpost.com: Nope, you can just click "Refresh" at the top of your browser.
Gene Weingarten: MORE PSAS.
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Gene Weingarten: Intriguing observation: PSA is also the name of a test for prostate cancer! This sort of thing excites me.
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Guy from Wheaton, Md.: True Middle Name: Thorud. It's a family name that seems to come from Norway, though I do not.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. Thank you. Superior.
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Northeast Washington, D.C.: Gene, When I found out Pope Bendict has e-mail, I immediately thought about e-mailing him. Then I thought it would be great to have a contest in this chat where folks could write the funniest e-mail either from the new pope or sent to him. Gene, of course, would be the judge. I will offer a fabulous first prize for this contest! At my former job, we had a Ken doll with no legs who had various adventures during the workday. He even had a newsletter dedicated to him. Last week, someone anonymously sent me legs through the mail. These legs can only be the legs of Legless Ken! They will be generously bestowed upon the winner. What do you think?
Gene Weingarten: Done. For next week. Send your entries to me at weingarten(at)washpost.com. And please remember yours won't be published if it is unpublishable.
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Washington, D.C.: I went to the Nationals home opener a couple of weeks. Being a good citizen, I took Metro, which was mobbed. As the train pulled into Stadium Armory, the conductor said she wasn't going to open the doors right away because the platform was crowded. She would wait until the people on the platform had deceased... Everyone in my car busted out laughing, as did everyone else, I imagine. Someone commented on how sad that sounded. Then, we tried to guess what the conductor meant to say. She had a very stiff upper lip and never acknowledged her faux pas. Fortunately, there were live people on the platform when she opened the door.
And, I was at Politics and Prose the other night. Your and Gina's book was next to the Kama Sutra on the shelves. That seemed appropriate give the title of your joint venture.
Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. She probably had in her mind, "cease and desist," and got confused. Excellent.
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washingtonpost.com: The NEW Discussion Archive page .
Gene Weingarten: Another public service announcement.
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Alexandria, Va.: I filter ads while I surf the Web. Does this make me a thief?
Gene Weingarten: You should send that to the Ethics guy at the New York Times Mag, Randy Cohen. He will write a humorless but correct response.
The answer is obviously no, that you are doing nothing wrong, but he will take a long time to get there.
(The reason you are doing nothing wrong is that the buyer of ads KNOWS there are filters out there, so is not being defrauded.) Seriously, send it in to Randy. He'll take 500 words to get to the same place.
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How the Shiksa Saved the Seder: We spent Passover with my husband's Israeli family, who are living here temporarily on sabbatical. On Saturday morning my mother-in-law proudly showed us the nice half leg of lamb she'd picked out for the Seder meal. I was the only one who noticed that she'd actually bought a nice leg of...pork.
(Evidently it was next to the lamb in the market, and she had no idea what pork looks like.)
Gene Weingarten: Holy cow! (As it were.)
All hail The American Shiksa.
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Iowa City: For clarification purposes, what IS the weight of a 1963 VW beetle?
Gene Weingarten: About 1300 pounds.
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Sophisticated question: Putting two out of your named areas of intellectual sophistication together, my question for you is: Given the structural simplicity of Bauhaus architecture and its attempt to create a rational social housing for workers in a collapsing post-World War I German economy, does it finally answer the question, Where Would Jesus Live?
Gene Weingarten: No.
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washingtonpost.com: Folks, to see new answers, click the refresh button at the top of your Web browser. Sorry for the inconvenience. -- Liz
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Chevy Chase, Md.: Did you read the recent Hints from Heloise where the writer suggested using pencil to do a crossword puzzle- because you can erase mistakes. Omigod! BRILLIANT! Even funnier though was The Washington Post reader who took the time to write a letter to the editor on Saturday addressing just how dumb the hint was.
Gene Weingarten: Actually, I do crosswords lightly in ink. Pencil is NOT a better tool. Erasures smudge a crossword, and pencil corrections over an erasure can be so faint it is unreadable. You can always alter a letter in ink.
Periodically, you will see a piece of journalism or literature that uses, as an example of someone's effortless literacy, the fact that he or she does crosswords in ink. Lunacy. It's more practical, however good you are. This is a common silly misconception I am glad to have put to rest.
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The poll: Hey Gene: Based on the survey results, I was te third person to vote in the poll. Am I cool or what? I thought for a moment that an overwhelming number of voters aggreed with me. I realized after a moment that the overwhelming number of voters consisted of one person.
I guess I'm not so cool after all.
Gene Weingarten: Well, how about this little nugget: If you were number three, then the first two were Chatwoman and me. We always answer one and two, to check out whether it is working.
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Nurses 'r' special: True story:
My wife was in her hospital room recovering from a gastric bypass a couple of years ago. The attending nurse, who went three-fitty if she weighed an ounce, leaned over to check something and white powder fell on my wife from the donut in the nurse's mouth.
Who says compassion and comedy don't mix?
Gene Weingarten: Better than white powder falling from her nose.
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This chat is filled with people who can't be generalized: I think that is why we "get along" so well here. I am a conservative who voted for Bush who would never run around trying to stuff feeding tubes back in to people. And although you are very liberal, you have thoughtful reasoning behind your beliefs. I know you don't hate Bush because he is a Republican, you have real reasons why. I can deal with that. Plus, you're funny. Humor -- the great uniter. Unless you are a nurse.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you. The nurses I heard from were not unfunny. They were seriously hurt. I had trod on a stereotype I hadn't known existed.
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Washington, D.C.: I think I'm in love. I think he loves me back. That's good, right?
Gene Weingarten: A blessing on your head, mazel tov, mazel tov. It's even okay if you no longer (heart) me, under the circumstances.
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PSA: re: Refresh - - or hit the F5 button
washingtonpost.com: thank you!
Gene Weingarten: PSA
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Invitation, AL: Can you forward this to the former Czar and current Empress:
My daughter is a first-year journalism major at a university down in my native Texas. She sent me this e-mail last week:
"Today in one of my journalism classes we were learning about analogies, and my teacher read some examples of really bad analogies ("it floated across the water like a bowling ball wouldn't").
"So then I noticed the names under some of the examples.... Russell Beland, Chuck Smith, jennifer Hart. Hmmm...
"I had to tell her: you know these aren't real...
"They were still funny to hear anyway. Made me homesick for good newspapers."
Gene Weingarten: Consider it forwarded.
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The Big Tomato, Calif.: Hey, Gene,
Posting a day early as I have actual work to do at 9:00 AM PDT tomorrow.
It's finally happening. This week the Sacramento Bee is asking its readers whether the paper should continue running "Peanuts Classics" given that, you know, Schultz DIED FIVE YEARS AGO. I voted a resounding "Yes" and suggested they replace it with "Big Nate," which I think is both terrific and underrated.
(They've already got "PBS," "Fuzzy," "Boondocks," and most of the others that tend to win your CPOTW awards.)
P.S. One thing I've wondered ever since Schultz died: If the estate/syndicate is really intent on re-running his good stuff, why distribute his lesser, 1990s-vintage "Peanuts" during the week, but 1969 comics on Sundays (as in the Bee)?
Gene Weingarten: My guess: The really old Peanuts LOOKS really old (the characters were drawn slightly differently) and they wanted the illusion of modernity, so people would forget they were reading oldies. If you are looking at Linus interacting with Pig Pen in frames with an ancient feel, you remember that Schulz is dead. Death creeps over your mood. You get very somber. You think about maggots infesting your own corpse. Then you go on to Garfield in the WORST of moods.
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Annandale, Va.: Your last update ended with conjecture as to the first "Eggs Benedict" joke. I hear John Stewart refer to Pope Benedict naming himself after Saint Benedict, "the Patron Saint of Putting Hollandaise Sauce on Eggs." Last Thursday, I believe.
Gene Weingarten: I believe the first Eggs Benedict "joke" has yet to be told. That is very pale, for Jon.
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Atlanta, Ga.: Gene, I'm graduating in a mere two weeks, and I'm freaked out about what happens next... tell me that the best years of my life aren't over. What's there to look forward to in the real world? Is there anything as exciting as being young and finacially irresponsible?
washingtonpost.com: Absolutely! Working through the summer... the first grey hairs or, alternately, male pattern baldness... a slowing metabolism... credit card debt... being older and wiser and finally knowing how to spell "financially." I'll stop now.
Gene Weingarten: Understandably, Liz left out benign prostate hyperplasia.
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Middle Name: No joke, my buddy's middle name is Rajendrakumarkundanlal.
After we heard it for the first time, it took us a couple days to figure out how to say it.
Gene Weingarten: Very lovely. For the third time I will mention the great middle name that won the "Bad Real Middle Names" contest in the Style Invitational some ten years ago:
Assateagueponyfootfalls.
It belongs to a little tow-headed lad of 12 or so whom I hope one day to meet.
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Riddle Me This: OK, so the Refresh button works to update the page. So why to I have to go to the top of the page to submit a question, instead of having the Submit Question button right there at the bottom of the page?
Gene Weingarten: This has been a problem with the chat technology since long before Liz was even born. Give her a break, here.
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Toronto, Canada: I thought your living will was brilliant - do I have your permission to send it to my email buddies and share the happy thoughts?
Gene Weingarten: You don't need such permission. Go ahead. It is Out There.
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Fan of Ge,NE: My sister is a freshly-minted nurse -- 22 years old and right out of school. Not only is she young, she's attractive. She works two jobs now -- one in a hospital and one in an assisted-living facility -- and reports that in both places, older male patients are constantly leering at her and otherwise being inappropriate. Apparently, since she IS the stereotype of the attractive, buxom nurse, they think she doesn't mind this treatment.
Poor kid. They don't pay her enough.
Gene Weingarten: I just did not know this. I guess the bed has something to do with this. And the touching. It makes sense.
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Living Will, N.Y.: Paul Rudnick of the New Yorker also weighs in on his Living Will this week. Examples:
- Do not resuscitate me before noon.
- If I no longer respond to loved ones' attempts at communication, ask them about our last car trip.
- If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, I would like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie.
- I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine that has a "Popcorn" setting.
- Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear discussions about my apartment.
Gene Weingarten: I like the first and last a lot.
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Wivenhoe, Essex: The best Hints from Heloise was the one telling how you can save up old plastic grocery bags, cut them into two-inch-wide strips, and crochet them into a bathmat. "They come in so many pretty colors", the writer added, if my memory is correct.
Gene Weingarten: Wivenhoe, Essex?
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Comedy Centr, AL: As long as you mention Jon Stewart... I don't think you've ever said what you think about the Daily Show. Do you watch it? Did you prefer Craig Kilbourn?
Gene Weingarten: I think the Daily Show is right now the most consistently funny thing on TV.
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Mind Gam, ES: Do you ever read Scientific American? If not, you should. I picked up a copy of Scientific American: Mind and it is chock full of zany mental disorders. My personal favorite thus far: Capgras Syndrome, where you recognize loved ones' faces, but think they've been replaced by body doubles.
Think of it: A guilt-free way to be unfaithful to your spouse!;
Gene Weingarten: I had that in my book! But under a different name, as I recall. Reduplicative paramnesia, I think. Or maybe not. Anyone have my hypochondria book handy?
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More on Heloise: I loved this recent letter to the Editor:
Among the guilty pleasures I may one day have to account for, I admit to being a regular reader of "Hints From Heloise." But the April 17 column in the Comics section reached a low-water mark. "Mark in Philadelphia" suggested that readers use pencils to fill in crossword puzzles. That way, Mark triumphantly declared, you can erase your answers without messing up the puzzle.
I can accept a certain amount of folksiness, some backwoods simplicity and a fair degree of low-tech common sense from Heloise. But this "hint" is a large step in the direction of devolution of the human species. It's on a par with suggesting that we use spoons rather than forks to eat our soup.
Donald Evans
Washington
Gene Weingarten: Yep, that's what the poster was referring to.
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Sans Hose here!;: I avoid pantyhose like the plague. What's the point of buying them when I'll inevitably put a run in them within 20 seconds of taking them out of the package? You men cannot possibly comprehend the frustration that is pantyhose.
If I wear a skirt in winter, I wear opaque tights with panties. If I wear a skirt in summer, I go barelegged (with panties) despite the fact that I am a horrific shade of fishbelly white. If I am really dressing up, I wear stockings, sometimes with seams, and always with panties.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you. I love "fishbelly white." Very descriptive.
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College, USA: Gene, I have an exam in under four hours.
Do you know anything about the endosymbiotic origin of eukaryotic cells?
Gene Weingarten: Eukaryotic sounds dirty. We will have none of that in this chat.
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Gene Weingarten: Oh, wait.
That reminds me, speaking of dirty, of the April 20th Brevity cartoon, which several posters urged me to look at vis a vis our filthy and inappropriate discussion of The Shocker two weeks back. Liz, did we link to this in the intro?
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Lancaster, Pa.: Hello Gene,
I am sure you noticed this and many other will write you about it. In Sunday's "For Better or Worse" the joke is about the dogs drinking from the toilet and the Elly blaming John for slopping the seat. However,what I want to comment on is the middle panel showing her walking to the toilet while visibly scratching her butt. In the never ending discussion of the sexes held here I thought there may be comments. Men doing this is a given. What do you think about this?
washingtonpost.com: For Better For Worse , ( April 24 )
Gene Weingarten: I noticed it instantly, and was impressed. I will say this for Lynn Johnston: She is willing to show warts, and her people behave like people. Ellie has been slowly becoming more and more matronly -- an interesting development, given that Lynn clearly IS Ellie.
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Proving what?: The new Pope says he prayed to not be made the new Pope. This brings up lots more questions than I feel qualified to consider. Gene?
Is this proof that prayer doesn't work? (this is obviously bad news for the church if the top banana can't get results)
That god really hates us and wants to make our lives miserable? (more like old testament god, kinda like Job or something)
Or does the new Pope simply lie? (he _really_ prayed to get the job, but wants to look all humble and stuff).
I do believe that this is the theological question of our time, and the answer might just solve all of mankinds problems. Or not, what do I care?
Gene Weingarten: Again, an important question. And you have well framed it.
My aunt Ethel had a wonderful thing she used to tell people. I'm not sure, but it may be original to Aunt Ethel: "All prayers are answered. You just have to remember that "no" is an answer."
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PeoRia: What does it mean that I'm a regular reader, possibly a fan, but am heavily ensconsed in the PR industry? Am I a traitor to my own kind? Are we really that bad? I have never sent out a press release promoting a line of pillows. I do very serious work. Really.
Gene Weingarten: Have you ever noticed that "Peoria" sounds like pyorrhea, a horrifying disease of the gums that causes breath like rotting corpses, and can even lead to death? Huh? No, because you are in PR and that is not "nice." That observation does your "career" no good. Someone might not "like" that. No one will "pay" you to make that observation.
Okay, sorry. I acknowledge it is possible to be in PR or marketing and not have sold your soul to the Evil One. I acknowledge that all honest work has dignity and merit. I am just kidding, here. I kid because I love. Of course I love some of you more than others.
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re: Wivenhoe, Essex: It's in England
Gene Weingarten: That is one HECK of a name.
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Evil Iro, NY: Gene, I feel horrible for submitting this as the event was indeed tragic. But here it is (see ya in Hades):
The Florida skydiver who was recently killed after crashing into the wing of the plane from which he jumped was named... Albert Wing.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I noticed this item, and was completely appalled of course; I even consulted Dave Barry to ask if he thought -- applying the time and distance yardstick for tragic humor -- there was any way I could put a mention of this tragedy into the chat. I decided that there wasn't.
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Gene Weingarten: Okay, now to the poll. The following is the post that I got that got me mad, and gave rise to today's poll.
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Mr Boffo Suc, KS: Gene, I know you have a fondness for "Mr. Boffo," so perhaps you could explain how you reconcile this with the complete inanity of the comics, especially given your status as Arbitor-of-all-Humor.
I read it daily trying to find a good guffaw, and at best think "That could be funny if it was worded better."
Feel free to try to find any strip from the last few weeks and show why the strip holds your esteem. All it holds in my mind is a space that would be better spent on someone with fresh comic ideas.
Gene Weingarten: Sure, but, gadzooks, it took me a while poring through the archives. How about the one from, um, yesterday?
washingtonpost.com: Mr. Boffo , ( April 25 )
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Gene Weingarten: Today's poll sought feedback on the work of Joe Martin, who draws Mr. Boffo, Cats with Hands, and Willie n' Ethel. Joe is one of America's best cartoonists, and these are some of his best pieces of work. You would be wrong if you ranked them, in the aggregate, as anything less than great. If you ranked them poor or mediocre, you have something to learn about the comic arts. Seriously. Go away.
The best one, without question, is the three guys falling because it is a brilliant, funny exegesis on the meaning of life, our capacity for denial, and the general quality of being a guy. The second best is the stolen purse, though I also love the psychiatrist. My point is they are all terrific. All. If I were forced by the poll to choose a "least," it would probably be The Interviewee, but I refused to be forced.
One of Joe Martin's Mr. Boffo books, "Shrink Wrapped," may be the funniest compendium of comics I have ever read, and I have read many extraordinary compendia of comics.
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Primordi, AL: Eukaryotic (nuclei containing) cells feature several structures known as organelles, including mitochondria (energy factories) and chloroplasts, which carry out photosynthesis in plants. Since these structures are bound by the same type of membrane as the cell itself, it is supposed that they were once independent prokaryotes that were integrated into other prokaryotes and developed a symbiotic relationship. (See Genesis 1:2).
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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"I'm not sure, but it may be original to Aunt Ethel": I assure you, it wasn't.
Gene Weingarten: You don't know how old Aunt Ethel was, and when she might have first said it.
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Denver, Colo.: Gene, my mother would kill me if she knew I was submitting her name but I am about 100 percent certain she doesn't read your chat down in the bible belt. She has the worst name of anyone I've ever known, and thank God she didn't name me after her:
Genendal Iona Fratantuono
(apparently her father named her after an ex-girlfriend and the middle name is my grandmother's middle name).
Gene Weingarten: Holy crap!
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Laurel, Md.: Actually, that's something that's always bothered me about skydiving -- airplane tails have horizontal stabilizers, I think they're called. How come everyone doesn't get caught by it as soon as they jump out?
Gene Weingarten: Because at the moment you leap from the plane you are traveling forward at precisely the speed of the plane, but you are also falling.
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Washington, D.C.: What the f--- is wrong with Wiley? A homeless guy dies, leaving his dog defenseless, I don't see how this is going to be good. (Unless the dog kills the horse.)
Gene Weingarten: We can only hope!
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Washington, D.C.: I, too, must take issue with your cavalier attitude toward the increasing incursion of vulgarity into our collective civic life. Vulgarity contributes to a breakdown of civility, and lowers us to a baseness that mocks the advances that civilization has wrought. Sophomoric humor in a forum available to all is an affront to God's gift of grace. Incidentally, I wear boxers not for support, but to keep skid marks off my Sansabelts.
Gene Weingarten: Okay, I am laughing.
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Mister Y, U.K.: Gene,
How much time do you spend in your Post cubicle each week? Are humorists allowed to telecommute? Do you get per diem?
Gene Weingarten: I spend between one and two days a week in the office; work mostly from a dank room in my basement. One day I shall post pictures from this chamber. Maybe next week, if I can work the logistics out with Liz.
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Anonymous: Can we get a rerun of last week's poll? You set the barrier between old and young way too high. (Take a look at the responders: about 600 for "old", and about 1,600 for "young".) Try asking the same questions but a division at 25 or 30.
Gene Weingarten: Liz and I, in plotting the poll, seriously misunderstood how young this audience is. We were both delighted -- Liz because it is evidence we are reaching an essential, vibrant, economically powerful demographic vital to the expansion of a reader base, and me because, statistically, it means there are more hot young women than I ever imagined.
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Gene Weingarten: Oop, sorry, what follows is the Mr. Boffo link that I made to the previous day's strip:
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washingtonpost.com: Mr. Boffo , ( April 24 )
Gene Weingarten: Here it is.
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Middle Name: Elois.
Yes, that's my middle name. And I'm a 31 year old guy. My grandfather had it for his first name. He chose to be called Jack.
Gene Weingarten: Man. Hitler's father's name was Alois, I believe. Sorry.
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Frederick, Md.: I, for one, don't miss the "automatically update page" link. For some reason, it never worked for me. I felt like it was there just to mock me.
washingtonpost.com: Yep, it basically was... unusable, I mean.
Gene Weingarten: I noticed this, too!
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You don't have: a copy of your book? Aren't you at home?
p.s. Never gone panty-less under pantyhose.
Gene Weingarten: I am home, but for complex reasons involving the temporary condition of my basement, cannot reach the books.
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Boffoboken: I don't agree with your poster who condemned Boffo outright - I think there's a lot of humor there. But you do seem to be blind to some very serious flaws in the comic.
For instance, to take the falling guys of whom you're so fond: after falling for 6 months they wouldn't be in a state of lazy acceptance. They'd be in a state of ultra-lazy deadness. And decay. I can't see past the logical flaw to really find this particular strip funny.
The psychiatrist and Goliath strips were hilarious. Hogans was good. The interview and purse were good ideas but suffered from extremely poor captioning.
Gene Weingarten: Boy are you wrong. And you are being boneheaded literal on the falling guys. It is metaphorical.
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Kurtz Here: Sorry about siphoning off your chatters, but I moved mine from Monday. Nyah Nyah.
Gene Weingarten: Yeah, whose bright idea was that, Chatwoman?
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Happy: Just to have one positive comment, I LIKE that I can refresh now and stay at the same point in the chat with the new stuff right in front of my face.
washingtonpost.com: Thank you.
Gene Weingarten: Ooh, is that the case now? That is a good change.
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Da B,Ut: Hi Gene,
In light of Jenna Bush's recent dancefloor antics, which is better:
VPL or VTS (Visible Thong Strap)?
Gene Weingarten: I find a VTS deeply disturbing, and not in a good way. It looks horribly uncomfortable.
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washingtonpost.com: Howie's just on Tuesday this week . He was out of town yesterday and had to reschedule. Give the man a little bit of a break. Sheesh.
Gene Weingarten: Ah. Okay, then. Um, not to denigrate the power or quality of the chats that ordinarily oppose this one. BUT I ASSURE YOU NEITHER KURTZ NOR I LIKES THIS CONFLUENCE.
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The Empress of The Style Invitational: Speaking of fan mail, does anyone have any suggestions on how the Empress should have answered this paean to this past Sunday's Invitational results?
WHAT WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? JUST AS WE ARE MOURNING THE POPE'S DEATH,WE ARE SUPPOSED TO FIND HUMOR IN THESE SICKLY COMBINED BIBLE QUOTES?!;!;!; NO,I AM NOT A "RELIGIOIN FREAK",JUST A CONCERNED CATHOLIC READER OF THE POST. AND THE WINNER WAS A SENTENCE IN WHICH A TEENAGER TELLS HIS FAMILY TO "FLOCK OFF?!;!;!;"......GEE,WHAT A CLASSY NEWSPAPER!;!; I AM CANCELLING THIS TRASH NOW!;!;!;
Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. Superior fan mail. We will solicit suggestions, your highness.
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VPL: Gene,
Are you sure men find VPL attractive? I asked my husband and two guy friends and they all said they thought VPL were gross. I'd like some other men to weigh in on this so I know whether I can throw my thongs out or not.
Gene Weingarten: They are lying to you, because admitting it suggests they look at other women.
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Spun, KY: I'm starting to feel very alone and depressed -- I'm a Republican of the Progressive stripe -- you know, the kind that likes a little fiscal responsibility and believes that the government shouldn't have it's collective nose poked too far into our personal business. Apparently, progressive is a bad word now. Do I have to turn reactionary to find a little company?
Gene Weingarten: You're flat out of luck, Spunky. You may have to join The Dark Side to get some compassion and rationality. It is almost exciting to watch this happen.
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The first grey hairs or, alternately, male pattern baldness...: Hey, let us not forget the ever-popular Overabundance of Stomach Gas. Yes, mornings can be quite the hoot....
washingtonpost.com: Ummm, speak for yourself there, bud.
Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I myself have not noticed this to by a symptom of aging. You got problems, dude?
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Worstna, ME: Gene -- My late aunt was named Rhoda Lott. Bad enough, but when she married she became Rhoda Hooter.
Gene Weingarten: Nice!
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C'mon Washington Post, please make it go away?: No more Prickly City... please no more. I give up. This strip has turned my comics reading from an enjoyable 10-minutes every morning to an unbearable ordeal. I actually skipped reading the comics twice this past week because I know I would end up reading that pile of s--t, with stomach churning effects. I never thought I would come to this. NeoCons have congress, the White House and the Supreme Court. Why must you let them invade the funny pages?
Gene Weingarten: It is a mistake. The strip is pretty relentlessly bad, and not because of its politics.
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Washington, D.C.: How could Mr. Kurtz abandon his chat? Does that mean he will be answering about two questions during his hour? I hope you don't do that to your loyal readers. That wasn't you asking Kim O'Donnel about tamarind concentrate, was it?
Gene Weingarten: No, no. It is for this week only. Relax. Howie's chat is terrific and isn't gonna move.
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This just in: On Yahoo!
Gene Weingarten: Thank you. This chat is famous for its breaking news; last week, the pope. This week, buffalo.
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Brief Brevity Explanation: The doctor is missing a finger, presumably from the saw. Did you miss this?
Gene Weingarten: No, I did not. But he also appears to be giving Snoop's filthy Shocker.
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St. Louis, Mo.: A middle name that's bad only in context (but one can imagine many contexts): "May" -- as in my aunt, Leslie May Croak.
Gene Weingarten: That's great! I hope it's true.
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SI Response: In response to the SI ranter, the Empress might wish to run a contest to figure out what Jesus Christ's middle name is.
Gene Weingarten: I like this.
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Empress Fan Mail: How 'bout the ol' form letter response thanking the unhappy Catholic for his or her input and suggestions, and inviting him or her to be part of a focus group to shop other possible winners to the feature.
The other possible winner being focus-grouped is of course the now infamous "Pope/Schiavo/Cochran/Perdue Aristocrat" joke.
See if she/he prefers that to "flock off."
Gene Weingarten: And I like this too. With this, I bid adieu. A rhyme.
Next week, same time.
(Another rhyme!)
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UPDATED 4.27.05
Gene Weingarten: In the final seconds of the chat yesterday, several men weighed in with important philosophical observations about visible panty lines, and whether men like them, as I have often contended. I am going to let this play out in the posts below, then weigh in at the end.
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VPL = Bad: I am a full fledged male, and I find that VPL is quite unattractive. Quick survey of neighboring cubes? Yes... 3 for 3. And I'll tell you why Gene. It suggests that the woman is too large for the pants she is wearing. Which is just no good. If the woman wasn't packing the cellulite, there would be no VPL. I guess if you like the full-figured look, then VPL might be your thing. Gene
Weingarten: Okay, that was one view.
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Downtheli, NE: Middle-aged guy here. VPL makes life worth living. So does VBL, of course. Who besides teenagers think thongs are sexy?
Gene Weingarten: That was a second view. And the next one is the one that sums it up nicely, and why men's seeming disagreement on this subject is not disagreement at all.
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Crawford, Tex.: The real crux of the VPL question isn't the VPL, but generally the A inside the P that is determining the "quality" of the PL.
Gene Weingarten: This is precisely right, and I hope you are really from Crawford.
It goes without saying that when one discusses the merits of a VPL, one is discussing this vis a vis a behind one finds attractive. If a VPL is cutting into a behind one finds too large or mushy, then it is, perforce, unattractive to one. The discussion at hand, however, presupposes an excellent behind, in which case the VPL merely enhances the viewing pleasure by supplying a frame of reference.
Thank you. Sorry.
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Where am I?: I was completely unable to figure out the Speed Bump from last Thursday. My husband didn't get it either. Help me, Obi Gene Kenobi!
Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. It was not an altogether successful comic. Instead of "say when," the waiter says "say who," meaning, on whom do I grind the pepper? That is what is going on in the background; presumably, the victims are not the persons of whom the question was asked, but their dining companions. The problem is that the waiter is already grinding the pepper onto the salad, which makes the whole thing confusing in the max.
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UPDATED 4.28.05
Gene Weingarten: On the subject of middle names, several people have asked me what middle names I and my wife foisted on our kids. Pretty innocuous ones: Daniel David Weingarten, and Molly Amanda Weingarten.
I can proudly report, however, that Molly was named after a dog -- my wife's black lab. Even better, at the time of Molly's birth, the dog was still alive, a fact that so bothered my wife's father that he insisted, from that day forward, on not calling Molly the dog by name. She became "Big Doggie."
Also, my son's birthday is July 4, but a couple of years ago he changed that. His birthday is now "Tuesday the seventeenth."
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Saint Paul, Minn.: My father changed his name TO Norman. His original first name was Norbert.
Gene Weingarten: This is a real horror. I feel pain for your father. This is like someone changing his name to Hitler because it HAD been Hitlerisgod.
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Middle Name: Well - we know it begins with "H".
Gene Weingarten: This is in reference to Jesus's middle name. And yes, all of us seem to be agreed on this. The poster below provides the definitive answer.
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Jesus H. Christ: It's Howard. Howard be Thy name.
Gene Weingarten: This is authoritative. Now we know.
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UPDATED 4.29.05
Not Fun, NY: Count me as another right-leaning reader.
Yet another sign the apocalypse is upon us: Ann Coulter on the cover of Time Magazine. It was a moderately interesting article, but one recurrent theme astounded me -- Coulter (and apparently many of her readers/viewers) thinks she is... funny.
Now admittedly, since I can't stand Coulter, I haven't read/watched enough of her to take a definitive stance, but I've never found her even remotely amusing.
Al Franken, on the other hand, I find humorous even though I never agree with anything he says, ever. I find similar disparity in the "editorial comics" --Doonesbury is hysterical, Mallard Fillmore is an embarrasment.
Not to say that there aren't liberals who consistenly confuse being snide with being funny (Molly Ivens comes immediately to mind), but what's up with the lack of conservative humor?
Certainly there's no lack of material (foaming-at-the-mouth liberals are just as easy to make fun of as foaming-at-the-mouth conservatives). Are conservatives really incapable of being (intentionally) funny? Or am I just really a closet liberal suppressing my true identity?
Gene Weingarten: There is absolutely nothing in your most excellent post that suggests you are a conservative. Clearly, you are a Trotskyite, like the rest of us.
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Logan Circle, Washington, D.C.: Gene, There is still debate over pantyhose. I just conducted a poll of my female friends (and I am a researcher, so mine is better) and none of us wear panties. Everyone cites the same issue, but I don't think I can talk about it. And everyone loves the Victoria's Secret/certain Hanes (same manufacturer) if that matters.
Gene Weingarten: Well, I have to say I counted the responses from women (there was a veritable hemorrhage of response) and pantywearers outnumber your type by about five to one.
Among women of my intimate acquaintance throughout my 50-plus years, panty eschewers outnumbered pantywearers 4-2. This is proving a very exciting topic for men and women both.
washingtonpost.com: Oh ya. I'm beside myself.
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CPOW whai?: Normally, I chortle at the feeble-minded posters who ask you for explanations (not laughing at them for not getting it, mind you -- laughing at their naive hope of getting anything explained). But we're halfway through the chat and I still don't understand the CPOW.
Gene Weingarten: Well, it is a joke about a classic scenario where a cop is grilling a suspect under a naked lightbulb. He is turning the tables by asking why the lightbulb is naked. It is a meta-cop joke.
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